Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Not Buying

Can we talk about hair for a little bit here, because I would like to talk about hair. I've kind of made my peace with Cosmo and its creepy, antifeminist, often just straight gross ilk. That being said, when asked (or on a rant), I am certainly not now nor will I ever be over it enough that I can restrain myself from pointing out that these magazines are bad for women. There is a way to be into fashion and makeup and hair without being so fucking precious about it. There is a way to enjoy sex without having to be so fucking proud of yourself for accomplishing something that more or less every human being that has ever been on the planet has figured out. There is a way to use your femininity to your advantage without being obvious, easy, or having a princess complex. All this stuff starts at a basic human level...take the time to consider and explore who you are as a person, and draw that sense of self through every aspect of your life, and you will feel like a fucking rockstar every damn day. I realize this is a "sounds simple, is not" item, but it IS the answer.

MORE! OVER! Feeling fantastic and looking gorgeous do not have to take three hours of your morning. Find a skincare system that works on your skin, and use it..."system" here could mean a bottle of Clean & Clear from CVS or it could mean upscale products from Sephora. It's about what works. Forget about two things - those goddamn "seasonal color" charts, and following every trend. Pick clothes and makeup that make the most of your shape and your natural coloring, and stock up on that shit. This can mean great fitting jeans and a teeshirt, it can mean a great dress; it can mean Dior makeup, it can mean a tube of Chapstick. I know this sounds like every idiotic grrrl power lecture given to ugly girls the world over but seriously people, I would not lie to you about this shit. Feeling great feeds into looking great feeds into feeling great...it's one big ole ouroboros of awesomeness. Get on board.

This is not what Cosmo tells you. It's not what beauty mags tell you or makeup catalogs tell you. This is a more trivial part of my issues with these "women's" magazines' message to their audiences...they make it seem like being a girl is nothing but horrible tedious labor. While I get particularly iretastic about the magazines, the same sentiments are rampant in advertising as well. My current favorite bastion of stupid is a Pantene commercial for some new line of hair gunk they have featuring their current spokesperson (and totally weird choice, since her voice is SO damn newsy) Maria Menounos. I actually paused and rewound the commercial several times to bring the glory of this straight to you.

Maria: Blah blah blah, we all scream for Pantene..."this look was actually pretty easy."

Oh, did I mention she's wearing giant goddamn hair that's about one step from a crazy hair show? Because she is. It's jacked up about a foot over the top of her head and frankly may be a weave. Want to know how to get this look yourself? Luckily, our girl Maria is here for you.

"Just blowdry it in sections[step 1]...spray some root lifter [step 2]...pop it up in some rollers [step 3]...mess it up a little [step 4]...just spray it all over [step 5]."

Five goddamn steps, one of which is ROLLERS? Whatever drugs they have this woman on, I want. Look, BLOWDRYING your hair is "pretty easy." Throwing some gel in your hair is "pretty easy." Basically once you engage the rollers, you are out of "pretty easy." That is some formal goddamn hair, people. Girls, women, chicks of the world...can we start smashing this shit please?


  1. HAHAHAHAHA! I also had an aneurysm when I saw this commercial. Any hairstyle involving rollers isn't easy. And I bet she's wearing a wig.

  2. This is why I have, and may have for the rest of my life, short hair. I do not comb (usually), do not blow dry, and sure as HELL do not use rollers. Period. The End.