Showing posts with label Ranting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ranting. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

So Here's Some Stupid Shit (Shockingly, Congress is Involved)

[extreme bad language warning throughout]

There's a lot of conflict in American politics right now, but I think there is one thing that Americans of every political stripe can agree upon, and that one thing is: "shit is fucked."  Regardless of what shit you think is fucked, odds are overwhelmingly good that you have a list of fucked shit, and you are probably angry about this.  I am angry too, which is why I had to put a bad language warning up front.  

So okay, shit is fucked, and since Congress has the primary power to unfuck some shit - any shit - I think we can further agree that Congress should stop dicking around and address some of the stuff that has the most overlap on various constituencies' Shit is Fucked lists.  

Here is the Congressional calendar for the last two months of this year.
Blue = House recess; Yellow = Senate recess
By my count, there are seventeen legislative days left in the Congressional session.  [NB: "A Congress" lasts for a period of two years, starts on January 3rd of the odd-numbered year following an election year, and is broken up into two sessions.  This is the 112th Congress and we're just finishing up the first session.]  Rep. Eric Cantor just released the Legislative Calendar for the second session, and would you like to know how many days are on the calendar?

ONE HUNDRED AND FUCKING NINE.

I'd just like to take a moment to say, "Eric Cantor, you are a gigantic fucking asshole.  Beyond being a shitty enough person to stand up and say 'oh no, I'm not taking any disaster relief funds unless they're offset with budget cuts' with a hurricane bearing down on your district, you are also too much of a pathetic, yellow-bellied dickbag to take your medicine from your own fucking constituents at your Town Halls.  Do you know what the point of keeping disaster funding fluid is, Mr. Cantor?  IT IS BECAUSE DISASTERS ARE DISASTERS.  Amazingly enough, they do not give you multiple months' notice.  THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM DISASTERS.  And frankly given the fact that your negotiating style is of the fucking sandbox variety, i.e. sitting down crosslegged and pouting while saying "NO!" to everything everyone suggests, I'd appreciate it if you don't try to blow smoke up my ass about how in the face of disaster all y'all are going to be able to quickly and efficiently settle on some spending cuts, because motherfucker, I know your ass is attaching policy riders to that shit and that ain't gonna fly.  While most of this is more irritating than setting 109 workdays for people who make $174k annually in the midst of some of the biggest shit that we have faced as a nation, I'm certainly willing to take this opportunity to point out that you are a spineless sack of shit who shouldn't be dogcatcher in East Jesus Nowhere, VA, and to commend your district on what is clearly a thriving underground drug market since that's the only way I can imagine a majority of anyone who isn't in a persistent vegetative state voting to send your snivelling ass to Congress."

In any case, it's not just about Eric Cantor being a shiftless douchebag, it's about the fact that we have real shit to deal with and Congress will only be working 126 days between now and the end of 2012.  Before I get to why this is extra obnoxious, let me state for the record that the next time some Congressional asshole has the absolute gall to stand up and suggest that teachers don't really work hard because they have summers off, I am literally going to shit in a box and mail it to their office.  No.  I will find their home address and send it there, because poop-bombing the interns isn't really acceptable. Anyway.  I'm sure you're thinking to yourself, "but Josie, I'm sure that Congress is doing a lot of really important and significant stuff to fix the fucked shit during those 126 days!"  You are correct!  Let's take a look at what they are doing today.

Oh, they're voting on a non-binding resolution that "reaffirms 'In God We Trust' as the official motto of the United States and supports and encourages the public display of the national motto in all public buildings, public schools, and other government institutions."

Now see, this is interesting to me, because when Republicans took the House in 2010, one of the first things - the first things! - they did was to put some new rules in place basically saying that symbolic resolutions were a waste of everyone's time.  This was a good call!  In fact, Virginia's own Eric Cantor referred to these rules when he insisted that Congress could not pass a symbolic resolution noting the assassination of Osama bin Laden, in whose pursuit we have waged a ten year war.  That's a pretty big deal, no?  I mean, if you're going to skip a resolution like that, you must be extremely fucking serious about this rule.  

Oh wait, we can vote on this to push our Bible-thumping bullshit, claw at the separation of church and state AND shame President Obama about biffing a reference to the motto by saying it was "e pluribus unum," which was the motto up until America threw its little Commie fit and made "In God We Trust" the motto in 1956 and in fact still appears on the Great Seal of the United States?  

Well then by all means, let's piss away a day voting on this useless, pathetic rule while Americans starve and sleep in the cold.   

Monday, September 26, 2011

Perspective and Conversation

I am prone to flying off the handle and producing some towering rants on the matter of political sheistiness, usually that coming from the right because frankly I think they are wrong about the way we should be governed, but the left doesn't get all the way off the hook either.  However, I always make a conscious effort to calm down in reasonably short order, and it's because of statements like this little nugget from Rep. John Fleming (LA):

‎"By the time I feed my family, I have maybe $400,000 left over."

On its face, this looks like a supercrappy "let them eat cake" type statement, as Dr. Bill pointed out on Facebook.  However, Dr. Bill offered this observation in reaction to my commentary, that being that this may not be said so much out of cold-heartedness as of ignorance, much as Marie Antoinette's famous line likely was (if she said it at all, over which there is some debate).    For the sake of discussion, let's look at the whole exchange, which is available in video here.

Chris Jansing: With all due respect, Congressman, the Wall Street Journal estimated that your businesses,  which I believe are Subway sandwich shops and UPS stores - very successful - brought you last year over 6 million dollars.

Congressman Fleming: Yeah, that's before you pay 500 employees, you pay rent, you pay equipment, buy food...the actual net income of that was actually only a mere fraction of that amount."

Jansing: So you're saying that if you have to pay more in taxes you would get rid of some of those employees?  These are not as successful business as one would want to indicate?

Fleming: I would say that since my net income - and again that's the individual rate that I told you about - the amount that I have to reinvest in my business and feed my family is more like $600k of that 6.3 million, so by the time I feed my family I have maybe $400,000 left over to invest in new locations, upgrade my locations, buy more equipment and all of that.

Jansing: You do understand, Congressman, that the average person out there making 40, 50, 60 thousand a year, when they hear that you only have $400,000 left over...it's not exactly a sympathetic position.

Fleming: Well again, class warfare has never created a job, and that's people that will not get jobs.  This is all about creating jobs Chris, this is not about attacking people who make certain incomes. You know, in this country most people feel that being successful in their businesses is a virtue, not a vice.

Boy, lots to unpack here.  

So first of all, the reason that comments like this prompt me to calm down when I'm angry is that I'm pretty sure Fleming is speaking here out of ignorance rather than any kind of mean-spiritedness.  I'm guessing that he thinks $400,000 is obviously a meagre amount, and does not question his decision to bring this up.  Here are the principal problems with his statements.

  • By his own math, Fleming is taking about $200,000 to feed and support his family.  About 30% of Americans live below the lowest tax bracket, which kicks in around $20,000.  Fleming is opting to take about ten times what a significant proportion of the US population must live on to support his family.  I don't begrudge him that, but I do think he should avoid acting like he's scraping by.  $200,000 is certainly making good money; his family does not need to worry about where their next meal is coming from or about keeping the lights and heat on.  He is a successful businessman.
  • Having $400,000 to reinvest in your business may not be the same as being awash in millions that will allow you to buy your own private army to solidify your market dominance, but it's not doing terribly, either.  What he's actually saying in this exchange is not that he only makes $400,000 a year but that he has that amount to reinvest in his businesses.  If he's routinely getting that amount out of his businesses, he is doing fairly well and is able to sustain his existing franchises and consider expansion.  
  • Lest we forget, his businesses did bring in $6 million.  We can deduce that these businesses would net him a fair amount - maybe not $6 million, but a good solid chunk of change - if he was to sell them.  Not all wealth is completely liquid or completely cash.  These businesses, particularly in their current state as stable enterprises in the black, are assets for Congressman Fleming, even if he cannot go out tomorrow and buy a Lambo with Subway sandwiches.  He is doing fine.
The thing that's most galling to me about this, though, is his closing statements.  In them, he suggests that tax reform is about penalizing certain incomes, and that it views success as a vice.  This is not the case.  What he seems to fail to grasp is that having a business does not entitle you to some exemption from tax liability.  Not every business does - or should - succeed, and not every business should - or does - make massive profits.  You do not gain a higher moral, social or political status by being daring enough to start a business, nor by creating a successful one.  What people calling for tax reform - particularly for taxing the rich - want is for everyone to pay their fair share, whether they own the business or are employed by it.  It is that simple, and I hope that Fleming and his ilk can understand it.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

There Should Be a Law

Dear Reebok,

This is a hockey jersey.
1980 NHL All Star Game jersey
You will notice the distinctive hockey styling, basic shape, lots of banding, etc.  This is a great jersey, and there have been lots of great jerseys over the years. 

This, however...
2011 All Star jerseys
...is a fucking lacrosse shirt.  These things look like shit, and the styling of your hideous sweaters is making teams adjust to design within these stupid ass designs.  This is already a league with some taste level problems (We all remember the Phoenix Coyote jerseys of the 90s, right?), but they get the jerseys right more often than not.  You know why?  Because they're not forcing their designs into your idiot styling.  WHICH LOOKS LIKE A LACROSSE SHIRT.

Fucking.  Stop it. 

Love,

Me

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Can a Sister Get Some Moneyball up in this Joint?

This has been a really frustrating Worcester Sharks season. It's even worse because it comes with a sense of deja vu. A couple seasons ago, the Sharks iced a team that was lackluster, rudderless and suffered from a serious dearth of veteran players. It was boring hockey, and it did very real damage to the fan base. The first season the Sharks were in Worcester was a cardio workout - they'd lose and scrap and get way behind and then somehow come back and outshoot everyone and then lose some more and then win a bunch and it was just mayhem all the time, but it was really fun hockey to watch. Even when they were losing, it felt like they were pounding the other team. Not so this year.

San Jose has an interesting relationship to its minor league team. On the one hand, they do actively use Worcester as a development location. Coach Roy Sommer has been kept on staff specifically because he's good at teaching San Jose's prospects the San Jose system, so they don't miss a beat when they get the call. (Frankly, the idea that Sommer is supposed to be giving the players the system is the only thing that explains the godawful line changes, the timing of which is only viable at NHL speed and is terrible in AHL play.) I like Sommer, but his role here makes me hate him a little during games. It's a sprint-hate. We've seen plenty of guys come through Worcester and make it up to the Show successfully; just looking at San Jose's current roster, you have Logan Couture, Benn Ferriero, Brandon Mashinter, John McCarthy, Jamie McGinn, Torrey Mitchell, Joe Pavelski, Devon Setoguchi, Jason Demers, and Derek Joslin, all of whom have been through Worcester in the previous four seasons. Several of these guys - Couture, McGinn, Pavelski, Setoguchi - would have made it to the NHL if Finz was left in charge of coaching them, but the others have had pretty dramatic improvements that I am inclined to think are the result of good coaching from Sommer, Assistant Coach Cunniff and the rest of their staff. If you had told me when they were in Worcester that Derek Joslin and Jason Demers would have consistent and quality NHL careers, I would have attempted to slap the crazy out of you. Those kids were train wrecks.

Despite this focus on development, I'm still not sure San Jose knows how to run a consistently successful AHL team. As far as I can tell, they set the roster before the season starts, and then leave it unsupervised, trusting in Sommer & Co. to make the lemonade. That is dumb hockey. I really enjoyed Michael Lewis' Moneyball, a book chronicling the approach taken by the Oakland A's and other teams who made low-cost player investments based on statistical analysis on what I guess you'd call "less popular" statistics. In hockey, it would probably be like looking at someone's plus/minus rating instead of their point totals. I think San Jose has something like the moneyball approach in mind when they stock up Worcester; my best guess is that they're stocking a supporting cast for their top prospects, and trying to reserve their funds for those future stars. The problem is that a moneyball approach relies on constant monitoring and tweaking, and I don't think that San Jose hockey ops carries through on that end. It doesn't help that Wayne Thomas has openly admitted that they occasionally decide to run lean, exacerbating all of these problems and guaranteeing stagnation.

It's pretty easy to just say that San Jose is interested in developing its prospects, and not in the supporting cast, but that doesn't let them off the hook. Teamwork is an essential part of player development, and the current arrangement presents several challenges on that count. First of all, since there's very little in the way of AHL depth built in, or of ECHL support, when people start getting tired, then hurt later in the season, there are dramatic shifts in chemistry and team cohesion. That changes your ability to develop your players. Secondly, your prospects' teammates should challenge them as much as the opposing players. If you're not paying attention to your second, third, fourth liners and beyond, you're not working your prospects to their full potential. Third, when you leave your own ass out in the wind, you're going to need to scramble for bodies when you get call ups or injuries, so your prospects and the guys who are supposed to be developing then know that they're going to be getting people who can be signed to PTOs mid-season, which of course means people who have already been passed over and who have gotten through waivers with the NHL giving a collective shrug. Not exactly inspiring stuff, not is it going to provide you with the kind of veterans that can help develop your prospects.

Though there are clear flaws in San Jose's approach, you can rationalize it to a point, but it falls apart when you consider that both San Jose and Worcester are owned by a company called Silicon Valley Sports Entertainment. All players and franchises are investments on SVSE's part, and if you look at it all in that context, Worcester starts looking a lot more like a badly handled investment. Not an inherently bad investment, mind you, but one that is being chronically mismanaged. Worcester should be another moneymaking opportunity for SVSE, and leaving it unsupported is not going to produce exciting hockey that gets people in the building to spend money. It's not going to sell merchandise, nor concessions, and it's not going to convince people to buy season tickets or corporate sponsorship. Thanks to Worcester exemplary front office staff, I understand that corporate revenues have remained high, but that is in spite of this season's hockey product, not because of it. The Worcester front office is singularly dedicated to making an impact on the community and making things happen - they brought the All Star Classic to the city in 2009, which the Icecats never seemed to have the backbone to even bid for, for instance. The staff in Worcester could bring a Calder Cup here given freer rein, but with SVSE's laser focus on San Jose and their desire to view all their investments through that lens, the Worcester front office has a significant challenge before them.

I personally would just like some exciting hockey. It's getting increasingly difficult to muster enthusiasm for games, and if my enthusiasm is waning, the Sharks organization is going to have to fight hard to keep butts in the seats next year.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Career Change! I Am Going to Be an NFL Announcer.

I am not really a football person, which I blame on my father for not really being a Sports Dad*, but I am reasonably entertained by it despite never really being 100% sure about what's going on. It's a little bit like going to a really weird art "happening" where there are a lot of armless baby dolls hanging from the ceiling and one bicycle in the corner and then some guy runs into the room naked and starts shrieking, and you're there like "WTF" but everyone else seems to be in a really good mood and that kind of puts you in a good mood because it's nice to see people so happy In Times Like These and you walk out and your friends are like "so how was it" and you can't help but say it was really fun. Football is mostly like that for me, but it helps that I do enjoy sports where huge men in barely adequate padding collide violently in the name of shoving an object around. The problem with this corollary however is that I try to apply hockey logic to what I'm looking at in football, and let me tell you that this is an exercise in futility.

I'm also reasonably convinced that Rich is some kind of wizard, because he's always saying things like "they're going to send that guy over there and then this other guy is going to throw it to this other guy and then they will hand it off and then run it around that dude on the other team and then they will get a down" and it happens which is really exciting for me in the way children are excited by the Quarter In Your Ear trick. He also got me the Football for Dummies book which was probably pretty informative but was unfortunately written by Howie Long, who seemed to be operating on a "this is a girl book, and girls are mildly retarded and don't understand sports" theory, so I kind of made some disparaging comments about that stupid-ass haircut he has and mailed the book via BookMooch to some chick in Germany who wanted to learn about American football for some reason**. That gesture was very sweet but ultimately a failure, so I was kind of freaking out because I was like "I have to learn to enjoy football or I will spend every Sunday-Monday wanting to kill myself out of sheer boredom." The New England Surge swooped in to my rescue. Arena football is basically all red-zone play, so I got an up close crash course (literally; we had front row season tickets and caught a couple players) in football, after which the Surge promptly failed to pay their bills in somewhat spectacular fashion and folded. Oops. But I had the knowledge. Ever since then I've been filling in the blanks, and now I know what's going on a good 80% of the time and have even moved on to random trivia like how Hines Ward has a smile like fucking Pacman and Brett Favre is kind of an enormous doucheface***.

So anyway, I've been watching more football than usual this season, and I've decided that I should totally be an NFL announcer. This whole academia thing is kind of a Thank You Sir May I Have Another situation (I actually mispelled that as "Thank You Sire" which adds a whole other level of grovelling to the scene and I think makes it more accurate) and I'm basically going to make like four dollars every year until I die because I am too bossy to write irritating tripe like Fareed "Here Are a Bunch of Well-Researched Facts and No Conclusions" Zakaria pumps out and thus will have book royalties of about fourteen cents to back up that extravagant professorial salary. If I go into announcing, I won't have to go broke getting myself a Ph.D**** and I will be able to make a seriously awesome living by eating a massive plate of beans before gametime and pointing my ass at a microphone.

See, I've observed that these people do not actually do a lot of talking about what is going on and that when they do, it's the most ridiculous irrelevant drivel ever sent out on the airwaves. Said drivel seems to fall into one of two categories - babbling about the play that just happened, or openly jacking it over the player of the moment. A particular favorite of mine was the other day during the Packers/Giants game when a fumble resulted in some pretty great hot potato recovery action. There was a ref literally right on the sideline with such a great view that he directly blocked the camera angle from one direction. The call was made - ball stayed in - and the announcers immediately started talking about how they would accept the ref's decision.

Okay.

Guys, no shit you're going to accept his goddamn decision. He's the ref. You are retired players who managed to avoid concussing yourself into illiteracy. You are not in this. How about talking about the Packers' and Giants' fumble recovery rates? How about talking about receiver stats? How about QB picks? No? Seriously, what is even the point of you?

So I'm going to be an NFL announcer, not only because I am charming and attractive but also because my scant handful of what I will now be calling "color commentary factoids" about Troy Polamalu's hair and Manning's Manningface. I believe this will also help the lucky network that gets me corner the market on "female sports fans" who they tend to regard in much the same way they do unicorns. I plan to capture this market by being a female talking about sports without asking people about their fucking feelings on the damn field and also by reminding the programming people that women do in fact like sports and don't just fantasize about spraying the goddamn Febreze around after their husbands' filthy, filthy football parties*****, so maybe we should get some ads that don't treat women like vapid cleaning devices to be hauled out after the game. I would also start a campaign against the scourge that is pink team gear, because pink team gear is stupid, that's why. Want to support your team? Wear their goddamn colors. You don't see me supporting my country by wearing a pink tee shirt with the Presidential seal in darker pink and white on it, do you? No, I wear a fucking obnoxious extravaganza of red, white and blue with a taxidermied bald eagle hat like a true patriot.

Then, if I ran out of factoids, I could just start talking about whatever came to mind. I'd probably go with talking smack about the fans, because who doesn't like mocking fans? Weirdos, that's who. Have you seen the shit people show up to these games in? It's a judger's dream. And all of this would STILL be more interesting than the dreck currently airing.

The big question, of course, is whether I'd be able to make the transition to the pre- and postgame shows, and I think the answer is OBVIOUSLY yes. My secret weapon would be wardrobe critique. My theory is that all of these guys are being dressed by someone else, and thus cannot possibly be 100% confident that they are wearing the Right Outfit. There are two reasons I believe this. First of all, anyone who spends as much time as these ex-players and coaches spend in team-wear, be it a jersey or other gear, finds their wardrobe gradually consumed by teamlogonalia, all socially acceptable clothing being slowly devoured by tee shirts. Secondly, I refuse to believe that a man who once had the sheer balls to wear a sweater that said "BEARS" across it in public, repeatedly, would ever be able to assemble the relatively natty outfits Ditka sports on air. Once you go to a sweater that self-righteously tacky, you never go back. In any case, I plan to leap with bared fangs on this weakness the second someone disagrees with me. "I disagree, Jimmy the Shark is not now nor has he ever been a member of the Minnesota Vikings." "Yeah, well you look like you cut your hair with a Flowbee and your pocket square is a fucking mess." There is no counter argument for that shit. They would simply have to admit that I was right and let me win forever.

And then I will punch Frank Caliendo in the face.

* Though he made up for it in many ways, including teaching me how to change the oil in my car, being willing to light expired road flares with me for no reason during family holiday gatherings and reading a frankly absurd number of Nancy Drew books with me when I was a kid.

** I don't think Germans will ever not confuse me.

*** Not sure I actually needed football knowledge for that. If Brette Favre's vocal cords exploded in a gory, Sawesque extravaganza of chaos, I'm not sure I could even muster human sympathy at this point. See also: Lebron James, Curt Schilling.

**** Downside: no crazy robes and ridiculous hat. This is significant.

***** I pride myself on being filthier than my husband.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

"Light" is Found in Twilight and Bud Light - Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

My friend Val was on Facebook going through the same guilt cycle all of us Late To The Party/Brain Cell Having Twilight readers go through. For those not familiar, it goes something like this:
  1. Twilight enters your universe. Someone gives you a copy, or throws it down in disgust in shared living space, whatever. You pick it up.
  2. (OPTIONAL) Allow it to sit, gathering dust and being shunned, for several days/weeks/months.
  3. Have minor hissy fit along the lines of "oh WHATEVER, I'll just get it over with so I can get this crap out of the house."
  4. Read entire book in three hours.
  5. Deny having read book or change subject when it comes up for four days to a week and a half.
  6. Finally snap and moan to your friends, "WHY did I read it all? Why why why?" in the kind of tone usually reserved for eating an entire bucket of Halloween candy after a slow kid-traffic year.
  7. Realize that all of your friends have gone through this same shame spiral.
It's a real problem, but the good thing is that based on the Law of Probability alone, your chances of being the only person in your friend group who has gone through this are extremely slim. If somehow you manage to be the only person who has read it, you should immediately buy a Cosby sweater and get a mustache tattooed on the side of your finger, claim you read it ironically, and commit yourself to full hipsterdom for about two years (minimum).

So I hopped on Val's Facebook to be like "yeah, Mom left her book club copy laying around when I was on spring break in Florida and I couldn't resist," but then I had a stroke of brilliance and wrote:
It's because they're like cold Bud Light on a hot summer day. You know you're wasting your life drinking/reading them but they go down so fast and before you know it you've pounded down all the books/a thirty rack in four hours.
I kind of threw that out and then clicked away, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized...oh my God, Twilight IS Bud Light. Think about it.

Full disclosure: Just looking at that aluminum bottle makes me want to drink it. Those aluminum bottles are proof God loves us and wants us to be happy with our sub-zero, 0 Kelvin beer. Even though I KNOW it's Bud Light in there, the glorious cold beverageness promised by those cans gets me past the grossness of Bud Light. That is POWER.

They both, as established previously, are satisfying in a very abstract, objective way that has nothing to do with their actual beer- or literatureness. They're both shallow, cheap, American-made minor crimes against humanity. When indulging in either, you know you should be consuming something of much better quality from Europe or Russia or something, but these are available and much easier to consume. Both items sacrifice taste for cheap thrills, be those thrills the ability to drink more beer for less calories or sub-romance-novel writing featuring abusive teen relationships. Both names involve the word "light" despite being the monikers of clear forces of darkness.

What does this mean?

I can only assume that it is part of a massive conspiracy aimed at speeding up the complete decay of culture in America and someday the world. Luckily, most people outside America have the sense to turn their noses up at both of these items, so the evil plot is encountering resistance, but I think the signs are clear, people: we must resist the Evil Forces of Dumb by reading good books* and drinking good beer**. DO NOT AFFORD THE IDIOCRACY A SINGLE INCH!!

* If you need help, start with The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov. You want the translation with the black cat sitting in front of a red sunset.

** Support your local microbrew!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I May Be Neurotic and Snotty, but at Least My Brain Stem is Functional.

I have a lot of martini related issues. A martini, without a qualifier, is gin-based. When you order a martini, someone should bring you gin in a glass with a whisper of vermouth and some olives. When you start adding qualifiers, then you have different things - "vodka" for instance, is a qualifier. Random mixtures of crap in obscene colors served in martini glasses are not martinis, they're not "-tinis," they're just random crap in martini glasses (alternately: sins against alcohol). This never ceases to bother me, and I know that this is a consequence of being a crotchety old person but I just can't shake it.

However, I may have found a coping mechanism.

Yes, that is a video of someone explaining how to make a "Disaronno and Ginger Ale on the Rocks." No, it is not more complicated than "pour the Disaronno over ice, then pour the ginger ale over it."

So now, every time I get fussy about people knowing how to put together a proper martini, I'm just going to think to myself, "at least I can figure out how to pour shit over ice." And then I will remember that there are a lot of simple-ass people out there, and adjust my expectations accordingly.

A how-to for "Disaronno and Ginger Ale on the Rocks." Good lord.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Why I Do Not Now and Will Not in the Future Care About Dancing With the Stars

A brief history:
  • John McCain makes a bizarre running mate choice in the Governor of Alaska, who is a staunch supporter of abstinence only sex ed, amongst other things.
  • Said running mate's young, unmarried daughter gets pregnant, chaos ensues.
  • Said Young Unmarried Daughter actually handles situation quite gracefully, despite some mayhem in the form of an engagement to the baby's father.
  • John McCain loses race, but Running Mate's public persona resonates with a certain swath of Americans.
  • Running Mate becomes ubiquitous, picks up numerous public appearances, quits governorship, halfway commandeers a grassroots movement, and refuses to ever shut up.
  • Young Unmarried Daughter becomes abstinence advocate (????????) and winds up on Dancing With The Stars.
  • Everyone loses their shit.

Look.

I know you hate the Running Mate, and I know her presence in the audience is irritating as shit. I am APPALLED by the fact that Running Mate has this kind of media presence when everyone knows she's going to be running in 2012. I am horrified that 27% of people in a polling group think she can lead the country, because every single media appearance she has ever put in has indicated that ZERO percent of people should think she can lead the country. I am disgusted by her "real Americans" rhetoric and think it's the least American thing I've heard in a long time.

I know her daughter is untalented and hasn't improved and just straight up does not deserve to be in the finale. I know that it's annoying that some psychotic Tea Party people have for some reason decided that voting this kid the winner of a fucking reality TV show is going to prove something to liberals OTHER than "we are willing to waste the shit out of our time." I don't get it either. I get that it's irritating and I get why you would want to retaliate by flooding the phone lines and whatever the hell. I am tired of seeing incompetence rewarded, too.

The thing is, I've been trying lately to come up with answers for my questions and my frustrations, because I've spent too much time getting upset about things and then having that upsettedness linger because all I did was bitch. I've thought a lot about Running Mate, and I've decided that a.) the best way to make her go away is to ignore her - not watching her shows, not typing her name, not clicking links to news stories about her, not paying attention to her, and b.) that I'm not going to worry about her, because at this point 73% of the people polled know she's a jackass, and that's probably enough to keep her away from the White House. I'm going to find someone better, and I'm going to volunteer on their campaign. I'm going to work for what I think is a better alternative, rather than obsessing about the worst case scenario.

So instead of voting against that Failed 2008 Vice Presidential Candidate's Daughter, I am going to write a letter to my Representatives and my Senators about why I think the TSA is overreaching and setting a dangerous precedent. I'm going to read up on economic developments. I'm going to call the White House and tell them I want DADT repealed. I'm going to read up on viable energy policy, maybe sign some petitions. I'm going to let my representatives know I want consequences for the financial sector's outrageous shenanigans. I'm going to think about the America I want to live in, and figure out how to get there.

I spent this election season prying people out of their houses with crowbars to get them to participate in the election in ANY form, but people are spending hours and massive effort freaking out about a failed candidate's kid possibly winning a TV show. This is a serious time in our country, and it requires active citizenship. I am going to be following through with the latter, and I hope you will too.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Temporary Safety

"They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." Ben Franklin, 1775

On September 11th, 2001, all the natural privileges that we have enjoyed as a nation shook to their cores. We have been blessed with a uniquely defensible geographical location, enough good will to protect us from many potential challengers, and the strength to try to spread the best of our politics and defend the world's weakest where we could. We haven't been perfect and we haven't always had the best intentions, but we tried, and that along with natural defenses of the blessings of liberty granted to us at the country's inception. It is easy to feel invincible when you have all of this on your side, and shocked when you realize you may not be as strong as you once thought.

It is natural to be fearful under these circumstances. On September 12th, there was a bomb scare at American University, and we spent much of the day half dressed in the parking lot across Wisconsin Avenue, wondering and worrying about what was going on and if the people who had brought down the Twin Towers could be coming for us. I still remember my friend Colin's tee shirt that day - a white Hanes undershirt with an American flag drawn on it in permanent marker. I would probably have sacrificed a lot of essential liberty for temporary safety that day. It was terrifying and unreal, and most of us hadn't even begun to deal with what had happened the day before. There's no way to quickly wrap your brain around a situation that could convince people leaping to the sidewalk from tens of stories up was better than what was behind and above them. There's no real way to be an 18 year old and think rationally about things when your Mom is calling you to beg you to come home and there are fighter jets going overhead every 15 minutes. There's no way to stand in front of the Pentagon and tell yourself that this is just one day, and it will get better.

We're almost ten years from September 11th now, and we're still scared, which I think is all right. I think something fundamental snapped in us that day, and we haven't been addressing it. When I think about how it might be made better, I often come back around to thinking the single best thing we could do for the American psyche would be to assign everyone a psychologist and give them a year off to work it out. No, it's not the continuing hurt that's of such concern - it's that we're still jettisoning liberty left, right and center for the sake of temporary safety. Even worse, we're not even getting temporary safety. We're just giving away our liberty.

I have never understood the TSA. Let me back up - I've never understood the DHS, because adding bureaucracy over the top of bureaucracies that are not cooperating in order to MAKE them cooperate sounds like pouring lighter fluid on a fire that won't stop burning your house down, but the TSA and the policies that govern it have always been the most confusing and aggravating part of the DHS. I am not sure where one would go to find a more reactive, convoluted approach to security. I am unconvinced that the TSA has even a modicum of proactive thought in its collective hivemind to foil a single terrorist, which I feel has been borne out by the "gee, that was lucky" captures of the last couple terrorist arrests.

Let me first say that the aviation industry was not one without use for security reform. There could have been some adjustments to policy and some development of streamlined, cross-the-board security standards. That being said, the TSA has not provided these reforms, and in fact has crippled an industry already sagging under the weight of its antiquated business model. It clamped down on one of the few sectors of aviation that was booming in 2001 - civil aviation - and had the entertaining but ultimately problematic effect of adding more expenses to the industry while also giving them a government crutch to lean on when they should have been examining said business plan.

Part of the shock of September 11th was the new mode of violence. Terrorists hijacked planes that had easily accessible cabin doors, no security personnel on board, and unprepared passengers. Work Friend Joe pointed out quite correctly that with the addition of locking, fireproof, bulletproof doors on the cockpits, about 90% of the problem is solved right off the bat. Locking down that area removes the possibility that the plane can be used as a guided missile. He also pointed out that if anyone tried to hijack a plane with a knife or box cutter or any kind of smallish blade, the entire plane would be pigpiled on that person in about four seconds, limiting viable hijacking options to explosives, which could be detected by more sophisticated trace-detection portal machines (or "puffer" machine; unfortunately these machines as they currently exist are oversensitive to dust and humidity and have been discontinued, though it seems that further research and development would be in everyone's interest), or guns, which are also reasonably easily detected. Any security measures you add on top of the locked door is more or less gravy.

Minor discursis: I have no idea why the TSA would ever have to go through my luggage. They have x-ray scanners for luggage and can see everything in there, plus I can't access it if it's under the plane. This is, quite simply, bullshit, and whenever I get one of those tags in my luggage saying they've rooted through my stuff, I get irate.

I'm not one to minimize the very real threat of terrorism. What I will say is that the fundamental nature of terrorist actions requires that the actors constantly look for new ways to subvert a security system to cause mass terror, and that makes constant vigilance from our law enforcement and security professionals one hundred times more important than added bureaucracy and invasive techniques that treat regular citizens who merely want to fly somewhere like criminals. The approaches to airport security that have been adopted since 9/11 have been of two primary types - reinvigoration of traditional techniques, and new, mostly technological developments. (I should note here that I refer to traditional counter-terrorism techniques as well; counter-terrorism is in no way a new thing.) By and large, it's been the traditional techniques that have nabbed the big terrorist threats. Let's take this article from the Heritage Foundation as a blueprint. Of the 19 cases listed, the vast majority were cracked with by police departments or by the FBI, organizations in place well before the creation of the DHS.

If the object is to keep terrorists off of our planes, it is clear that the TSA is not the organ achieving that goal. Should people be allowed to wander freely onto planes? Of course not. But given the TSA's proven ineffectiveness at proactively stopping terrorists, it seems ridiculous to give them free rein to move into more invasive techniques on the premise that they know what they're doing.

More specifically, it is unconscionable for a United States authority to demand that American citizens should have to give up control over their body in order to get on a plane. The Founding Fathers were concerned with our liberty, and political theorists throughout history have stressed the importance of our having control over our personal property. Our most fundamental property is our body - if we have nothing else, we have our physical being. We have the right to control it, and not to have it exposed by others at their whim.
We're getting a lot of promises right now: it won't cause cancer, images won't be saved, the photos will be blurry...except all of those are being refuted already. The image above is from a CBS news article discussing the potential health risks of these backscatter machines, one of which produced the image above. We have already had reports of people saving images from the machines.

The alternative to this? An aggressive patdown that includes a groin check. Something that's sexual assault if the person doing it isn't wearing a uniform.

At what point do we admit that the terrorists of 2001 have won? We have seen the TSA adopt techniques time and again that are reactive instead of proactive, while the traditional counter-terrorism bureaus keep doing what they're good at and actually catching the bad guys. The transparent catching up of the TSA with the terrorists would embolden me, were I a terrorist. Catch a shoe bomber = everyone's shoes come off. Catch an underwear bomber = groin check. Catch someone with liquid explosives = no liquids before security. Plane crashes into a building = no small aircraft taking off near DC. Looking for what terrorists have done before denotes a serious confusion about how terrorism works.

I hope that the outrage that has been building will convince the DHS that the techniques they are employing in this fight degrade us as humans and as citizens. It encourages an atmosphere of fear that encourages us to cede our rights with worrying speed, and I am not sure how much longer we can stand to do that.

Monday, November 8, 2010

There Are Some Prerequisites For Getting My Money

There aren't actually that many prerequisites because as it turns out I am quite law abiding and also don't really like conflict, so basically if you are a freshly-scrubbed looking college student with a clipboard and an Oxfam shirt or you have the ability to issue parking tickets, you can get some of my money. That being said, one of the things I really must insist on is legibility.

I parked at Riverside last week, instead of my normal Westborough commuter rail game plan, and of course because the parking gods hate me I got a ticket.
I always enjoy parking tickets because they need so badly to justify their paper use. You could really just write "$5 IN THE DROPBOX OR WE'RE BOOTING YOU" but because the simpler a task gets the more frippery you need to put on the paperwork, they always have lots of random underlining and up-capping and "COMPUTER CONTROL" and what have you. The good thing is that I'm reasonably sure they will never know it was me because that license plate number is nowhere near readable.

Of course, we know I will totally pay this stupid ticket because I am a wuss, except for one thing:
WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT? Is that an H? I have to pay them 6H dollars? How do you even pay something in Hs? What is the exchange rate for Hs? This part is important because I am in grad school and that means I have like, four dollars on a good week, so if $6H is more than $2.50 I am going to need to buy more Ramen. 6H kind of sounds like 4H so maybe I need to groom a sheep or something. I blame this whole goddamn thing on pennies.

DISCURSIS!

Dear pennies,

I hate you. The bottom of my cool kid backpack is AWASH in your stupid coppery pointlessness and my car cupholder is full of you. I don't know why the Mint keeps making you, because I have never met someone who wasn't like "pennies? Fuck pennies, oh my God." You are terrible and you make my life bad.

Love, Die Painfully,

Me

END DISCURSIS!

So anyway I probably won't be back at Riverside for a couple weeks but I have to figure out how to pay $6H before I go back there. Otherwise I'm gonna have to steal someone else's license plates.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

A Brief Guide to IRT: Deadliest Roads (Spoiler: I Hate It)

The History Channel has developed some non-Hitler-based programming lately, presumably to compete with the Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch and other shows that do not focus on the Third Reich or Nostradamus. One of these programs is Ice Road Truckers, which people apparently like. I don't really understand the appeal. It seems to be an hour (half hour? I tune it out) comprised 5% of people driving and doing vaguely interesting Big Truck Things and 95% of bad CGI illustrating the TERRIBLE ICY DEATHS that the truckers could experience if something went wrong (which it does not). I do not find this to be interesting enough for a series. It's one of those things that could use a special or something, but the premise kind of begins and ends with "these people drive back and forth until the ice melts, and also are drama queens." I am not an executive at a TV channel, but if I was, I would employ a basic test for new series. I would ask myself: "Is there a concept beyond 'this neat thing exists'?" If the answer was no, I would call my Making Specials About Neat Things Existing Team and have them go at it, then sit back and collect my money. I do not think this is how executives work.

So okay I hate Ice Road Truckers, but what I hate even MORE than Ice Road Truckers is IRT: Deadliest Roads, or as I have come to think of it, Privileged Assholes React to Being Out of Their Comfort Zone by Swearing, Driving Aggressively and Refusing to Adjust Their Behavior and Driving to the System That Everyone Else on the Fucking Road is Using. They're now over in India, where - surprise! - the infrastructure is totally unlike both standard US roads and the ice roads they're used to. The roads are extremely narrow and kind of cling to the edges of cliffs, and everyone drives like a crazy person. The drivers are issued an Indian truck and a navigator who is familiar with the terrain. The drivers, finding themselves out of their element choose to do one of three things, to wit:
  1. Openly doubt the navigator and in some cases make a giant prissy show about how they're not doing something because it's "insaaaaane."
  2. Refuse to abide by the norms of the roads, thus congesting the entire road, in some cases for an epic distance, and always requiring the native drivers to work it out because clearly they are the problem, and CERTAINLY not the idiots steadfastly ignoring what the navigators are telling them. Again.
  3. Swear at, threaten and challenge the native drivers who respond to item #2 by honking, tailgating or generally getting frustrated with the assholes obstructing the road.
This show is fucking infuriating for so many reasons, chief amongst them being the complete snobbery of these drivers. Look. If you sign up for a show called "Deadliest Roads" when you are ALREADY on a show about (presumably) dangerous roads, the driving is going to be fucking hard. If you are going to India, and particularly in the Himalayas, you should probably pick up a paper or watch some goddamn Travel Channel or be aware of the world outside your cab so that you get some awareness of the fact that a.) India is not exactly noted for its slick infrastructure and b.) there is a lot of fucking UP in the Himalayas and that much up usually means a tricky ascent.

I'm sure that you've picked up by now that this show is deeply fucking irritating, and would probably like to avoid it, or at least get a foreshortened version. If you would like to take the latter path, here's what you do. You know how kids tend to go through an annoying repetition phase? Find three of those kids. Teach one kid to say, "holy shit, this is a sheer drop of a thousand feet! YOU COULD DIE IN A SECOND." Teach the second one to say, "these fucking people drive like assholes! Fuck them!" Teach the third one to say, "No, that's way too steep, I can't do that. I COULD DIE IN A SECOND." Then simply throw them in a room with about eight pounds of candy, and don't let them out until it's gone. Once the sugar high has really taken hold, tell them to go out in the yard and run around in circles for 15 minutes yelling their assigned phrase.

Notice how they don't stop when 15 minutes are up, even if you tell them to?

Welcome to the IRT: Deadliest Roads experience.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

A Vast Fashionable Conspiracy

This Thursday, Project Runway crowned it's eighth winner for the show, second on Lifetime. The Lucy and I, sadly, did not critique the entire season because as it turns out, grad school programs take up a lot of your time (and bee tee dubs: congratulations to the lovely and amazing The Lucy on her newly minted MFA in Creative Writing!), but both of us were Team Mondo more or less from go. Gretchen Jones' collection was picked at the winner, and the world went apeshit.

First and foremost, here are the collections, courtesy of NY Mag.

Mondo Guerra
Gretchen Jones
Andy South

I was surprised throughout the judging process. I freely admit that I assumed that Mondo would win because he was such a complete competitor: a talented fabricator with a strong fashion point of view tempered by an openness to evolution in design. When I saw the three collections, I assumed it would be between Andy and Mondo. Andy's was not as various a collection as one would have hoped, but it presented a clear statement and was masterfully constructed. He made excellent use of texture in his fabrics and despite minimal color, the collection was never boring. Gretchen's was...more Gretchen. All season, she's been making the kind of stuff you'd expect on a resident of Taos, New Mexico who talks about crystals a lot and lives in an adobe house, but vacations in Aspen and drives a Land Rover, all in baby-poo colors. It was very cohesive and Gretchen is a great clothesmaker, but it was a snooze. AND it featured some kind of weird granny panties repeatedly, in the guise of pants. Mondo's collection was a blast. He used the over the top imagery of the Day of the Dead and old Mexican circuses but somehow wove it into a sophisticated, fun collection awash in his wonderful prints. It was spectacular and distinctive.

Then Gretchen won.

Project Runway, at its current level, features designers who are talented. This is an important thing to remember, because a lot of invective has been hurled at Gretchen that takes the form of accusations of incompetence. This isn't the case. She is a talented dressmaker, she is a talented designer, and she has original ideas. I personally would not let 95% of her stuff come anywhere near my body, but that's different from a lack of talent. No one is going to win Project Runway without a base level of talent, and Gretchen absolutely has it.

However, there is a larger question of What The Point Is. The stated goal of Project Runway has always been "finding the next great fashion designer." For the past several seasons, I think that the selections have been appropriate, even if they didn't go on to dominate the fashion world (which, incidentally, I don't think is possible or positive in fashion, so I actually count this as a good thing, even if I wish some of them would have made more of a splash in runway fashion). But this year, Gretchen won because she was "on trend" and basically because she was mass marketable, and that poses a real problem for Project Runway. I agree that Gretchen's collection was marketable...Nina Garcia and Michael Kors weren't wrong about that, as many people have been whining. The problem is, it looked like a goddamn Chico's. But there already is a Chico's, and frankly I'm not sure that Gretchen improves on the genre. If they wanted a unique, new voice, Mondo was the clear choice, as demonstrated not only in his final collection but throughout the show.

This all feeds directly into a conspiracy theory that The Lucy touched off a while back, which has now grown exponentially in my mind as evidence mounts. The idea is that Lifetime wants Project Runway shoehorned into its specific formula, the same one that brought the world all those classic Lifetime movies and various sexist-stereotypes-dressed-as-empowerment offerings. The first season that aired on Lifetime had been filmed before the switch from Bravo had been finalized, and thus had retained much of its original feel. This is the first season completely filmed under Lifetime's auspices, and it shows. The switch to the Bunim/Murray editing crew brought the jumpy feel of the house's other shows to Project Runway, which made this year's runway shows wildly irritating; the constant cuts and weird camera angles made it all but impossible to actually see the clothes completely. I also feel that Tim Gunn has been edited into a "safer" and more stereotypical picture of a gay man - a fey gay stereotype operating mostly on quips and light on seriousness, rather than the spectacularly knowledgeable, intelligent and unique human being that people have responded so well to from day one. This is not to say that some of the latter doesn't shine through - you can't take the awesome out of Tim Gunn - but I have noticed a specific and dramatic shift, and I find that deeply upsetting.

Perhaps the most worrying aspect of this is how Gretchen's win fits into the gradual Lifetimization of Project Runway. The discussion of the collections focused for the first time mostly on mass marketability, rather than creativity and big fashion. This fits right into the trend towards removing everything gutsy and challenging about Project Runway. Rather than watching the way aspirational fashion is created, we are now watching how shit you can buy at the mall gets produced. I fail to see either the benefit or the appeal of such a show. It's not that Gretchen is untalented, as I have said before - it's that she's not making fashion and she's not bringing anything new to the table. I am concerned about the future of Project Runway, and I think it would be a great loss for it to decay into cancellation.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

An Open Letter to Continental Airlines

Dear Continental Airlines,

I'd like to tell you a story about my dear friend Ashley. She's a great friend, political maven, Golden Girls fan, full sourcebook for Gone With The Wind, mobile French farce generation unit and all-around good person. She is a Cancer and enjoys long walks on the beach as long as the walk leads to shopping. We met at American University, where we learned that we were both born at Polyclinic Hospital in Harrisburg, PA and went on lots of fun adventures, including one notable evening when I chased a duck through the Capitol Reflecting Pool in a dress. We've made a lot of poor choices together, and for this reason, we like to hang out occasionally. Sometimes this means going to Inauguration "together" (by which I mean standing at literal opposite ends of the Mall while texting each other) and sometimes this means taking underage Norwegians out into international waters in the company of people who use the phrase "I cry like a chicken" (yes really).

I haven't seen Ashley in over a year. That sucks - a lot of my friends live far away and that's difficult, because I, Continental Airlines, am a hugger. She planned to visit from Thursday to Monday this week, and I was really excited because we could have more adventures! Plus, there are ducks at Assumption College and I still have my commuter parking pass, so I figured we could chase some of them. For old times' sake, you know? I got a text from her on Thursday saying she'd be slightly delayed, so I was like "cool, I can work a full day," and waited until 4:30 to leave work and head for Manchester to pick her up.

Well, it turns out that you guys overbooked her flight. It happens! I get it. I've worked for an airline, and my Dad runs an air taxi, so I know how much is involved with getting a plane off the ground. The problem is, you proceeded to not get Ash on the next three flights that night, keep her overnight in Houston, and then not get her on the next flight out in the morning. Finally, you got her to Chicago around noon...where her Delta connecting flight for Manchester was overbooked. HEY, SHIT HAPPENS, RIGHT?

Well after another thrilling day full of failure, I got this text from Ashley:
Apparently the way to make up for stranding your passengers is to put them up in a fucking roach motel where people are BBQing in the parking lot. Yes it is 12:36 and there is BBQ
Sometimes all the non-shady hotels are booked, am I right, Continental Airlines? So the next day at 5:15a, Ash headed back to the airport to begin another thrilling day of negotiations with the genius-caliber human beings you employ. I'll tell you, Connie - can I call you Connie? - it might help if you asked your employees to avoid telling passengers that they should calm down because "this happens all the time." It's never really a great idea, but honestly, once you hit 24 hours of delays, it should really never, ever, ever happen. The good thing is, you got her on her way to Atlanta! Hooray!

Oh wait except Atlanta is in the South, Connie.

She spent the day in Atlanta trying to get on a flight to "Somewhere in New England, doesn't matter where," and finally got on standby for a 6p flight to Boston. Well, she didn't get on that one, but she did managed to get on the "7p" one, which was delayed an hour. At 7:48p, I got the following text from her:
"Ok I'm sitting in my seat so I'm going to turn my phone off now and strap myself in and refuse to move. Noone is offering to leave...it's like I wonder why BECAUSE everyone has been trying to get to their destination for hours!!! Hopefully next time you hear from me I am in Boston!!!!!"
I was feeling pretty good about things, Continental Airlines. I called Knight's Limo and arranged a pickup so all Ash would have to do was walk off the plane and into their open arms. Because they are competent businesspeople, they were like "no problem" and put her on the list.

At 12:20a I got a text from Ashley's phone. The nice Delta desk person at ATLANTA was trying to figure out how to get the phone back to its owner, and they mentioned again that they were sorry about Ash's flight troubles, which by the way, Connie, you kind of didn't do very much of. They asked if I knew what flight she was on, and I told them the number I thought she was on. The response was "[Okay] but I am going to look up her name and try to track her down, because my colleague says he does not think she got on flight 2500 and got bumped to AirTran. It is because Continental Air double booked 15 flights out of Houston on Thursday and Friday and it's causing massive problems." I informed her that I would be very surprised if they had managed to pry her off the flight, but they said they would try to find out more.

At this point it's 1a and I'm calling Boston and trying to call you, Connie, but of course your customer service line is not taking calls thanks to high call volume (side note: in what world is that a thing? I would love to opt out of taking calls from irate customers resulting from my epic screw ups). I emailed my phone and address to Ashley, hoping she'd be able to log on from whatever dimension she'd been shipped to, and sure enough she sent me an email at 2:42a saying she was in Charlotte, NC. CHARLOTTE, Continental - yet another fucking city that is NOWHERE NEAR NEW ENGLAND. I haven't heard from her since, so I'm not sure where you have her stashed, whether she even wants to bother coming out here or what.

So I guess what I'm saying is this, Continental Airlines...go fuck yourself. Fuck your employees' shitty attitudes, fuck your incompetent booking policies, fuck your lack of business savvy, fuck your shitty customer service. I have a really high tolerance for the Shit Happens Factor in the airline industry because it does have some uncontrollable factors, but this is inexcusable. It's now four o'clock on Sunday [ETA: posting time adjusted in the interest of getting this public quickly; thanks Blogger], a full THREE DAYS after I was supposed to be picking Ashley up in Manchester, and had she made it here, she'd be leaving tomorrow. Instead, I have no idea where she is and it seems unlikely that she'll make it here at all. Totally unacceptable. There's a reason your industry is in the shitter, and this is it.

Sincerely,

Me

Oh PS - you would think that after a television personality called you out for the same thing you might try to fail less. I'm just saying is all.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

No One Wants Your Damn Twitter

Dear TV News Programmers,

Twitter, Facebook and their brethren are social networking media. Like many other items in the social spectrum, they are value-neutral and just because a lot of people use them does not mean they are interesting, worthwhile or even all that informative. Here are some other things that fall into the social strata:
  • Your kid sister who really likes Lisa Frank stickers
  • That weird neighbor who always wants to talk about high school baseball
  • Your obnoxious relative who gets drunk and starts talking about the UFO conspiracy the White House is covering up so it can pass health care
  • The hippie at the corner who never ever shuts up
  • Lyndon LaRouche supporters
These people are the spice of life, you know? You don't always want them near you but they certainly make you think about how the world is. None of them, however, have any bearing on the news. News is supposed to be informative, and then your kid sister, the weird neighbor, your obnoxious drunk relative, the hippie at the corner and the Lyndon LaRouche people can all comment on it...on their own time. Their commentary is not news. I have a serious, sincere request for you:

Stop.

Please, just stop.

Stop treating Twitter and Facebook like they have anything to do with the news. You are feeding in to a culture of narcissistic banality that is literally killing our brain cells. Americans are notoriously ill-informed about the world around them, but frankly based on my extremely scientific method of listening to people around me, you have to add national and local issues to stuff we don't know anything about. In the time you spend daily on reading idiotic and criminally boring Twitter and Facebook posts, you could at the VERY LEAST inform people that, say, Scott Brown is in fact a junior Senator, or that Darfur is still a problem. THOSE THINGS ARE NEWS. THAT SOME DUDE IN SHREWSBURY WANTS THE STREET TO PLOW HIS STREET MORE BECAUSE HE PAYS TAXES IS NOT. GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER, WE HAVE SOME SERIOUS PROBLEMS THAT NEED WORK.

Love,

Me

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Service Interruption

Dear Red LG Shine Phone,

I would first like to say that I appreciate your service and general effectiveness over the course of our time together, to say nothing of your snazzy red cover that makes you easy to locate in my various cavernous bags. I particularly appreciate your camera, on which I took all of my pictures on Inauguration Day because I was not bright enough to check my camera battery the night before. I also like not having to carry an extra mirror, because I broke my Girl Pilots of the Ferry Patrol mirror in the process of schlepping it around and that made me very sad.

The thing is, sometimes we have to criticize those we love, and this is one of those times. I don't get why you have the world's shittiest toggle where there clearly should be a trackball. Seriously, if your hypersensitive click sends me to the AT&T Useless Cell Phone Miscellany Mall or cellular video one more time, I am going to hurl you into the nearest brick wall with all available force until you smash into tiny, tiny pieces. I also want to have a little chat about your low battery alerts. The most energy-consuming function of a cell phone is lighting up the screen, but when you get low on battery, you LIGHT UP EVERY FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES TO TELL ME MY GODDAMN BATTERY IS LOW. Does this seem reasonable to you? All it really accomplishes is ensuring that the battery will be dead by the end of the day. I swear that if I wind up hanging by my seatbelt upside down on the side of this deathtrap of a road that I work on, I will escape and march directly to LG headquarters and set the damn thing on fire so it cannot produce any more deranged phones like you with shitty toggles and excessive battery waste.

In conclusion, it's been a nice run, and I hope you won't take it personally when I replace you with an iPhone in July when my contract comes up.

Love,

Me

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I Have A Question

And that question is..."why?"
Everywhere I go, I get this same half freaking inch of sugar at the bottom of an iced coffee. What is that about?? This happens to be a Honey Dew creation but they are far from the only perpetrators. I am convinced that people aren't jacked up on caffeine, but on sugar. Why is this necessary?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Is Twitter the New Case for the Philosopher King?

"And to men like him, I said, when perfected by years and education, and to these only you will entrust the State." Plato, "The Republic"

It seems to me that we are unable to have a conversation about healthcare in this country. Regardless of how you feel about the Obama plan, the dialouge surrounding it is flush with inaccuracies, flat-out lies, hysteria and frantic shouting, very little of which gets to the crux of the matter, that being whether or not the United States government should provide medical care to its citizens. Insurance is not medical care, nor is it a wormhole to medical care; in many instances, high insurance co-pays and premiums discourage people from seeking out medical services, to say nothing of the limitations of insurance and the fact that it is a business, and thus driven to a perpetual aim of cutting waste to lean down its expenses. It doesn't make insurance companies good or evil, it just makes them a business. If we adopt a plan that forces insurance coverage, it's really no change at all. The true discussion should be about whether or not a socialized plan is a good fit for the United States and where to go from there. Instead, we're hearing horror stories about the perceived failings of other nations' systems. First of all, the vast majority of these "the government will come to your grandmother's house with guns on her 85th birthday" claims are simply incorrect, as millions of elderly Britons, Canadians, Japanese, French people and Germans can attest. Even worse, all these hysteronics have sprung up while missing a crucial fact: we don't have to adopt an existing system. There is no Healthcare System Store in the basement of the United Nations. There are good things and bad things about all of these systems, and we have the unique opportunity to observe those systems in action and learn from their successes and failures in the process of building our own healthcare system.

(NB: For the record, I am pro-Socialized healthcare. I think that national healthcare ensures people's ability to pursue happiness and preserve their lives, allows businesses to regain losses from illness and chronic disease, removes the burden of insurance payments from said employers, allows people to pursue the healthcare they need regardless of cost and generally encourages a willingness to seek medical care that can stave off more problematic conditions down the road. Christopher Bird and "Strawberry" have summed up the reasons why far more eloquently than I could without getting too far afield. And before you get on me about Evil Socialism, a little socialism never hurt anyone as long as its parameters are well defined. See for reference: United States police, fire and public school systems. Also, Norway's #2 spot on the Human Development Index. I think what people are actually angry about is the ridiculously small return on investment their current taxes are currently seeing. I do not blame anyone who is pissed about this for a second, but that has nothing to do with the moral decision on national healthcare.)

But instead we are talking about death panels and wait times and all kinds of hugely dramatic "inevitabilities," and it's not just about healthcare. We just got clear of an extremely contentious election season that featured some of the most callous and vicious rhetoric in years. Why is this happening?

In the past few decades, our lives have become increasingly based in mass media and the Internet. Paper media are dying, and "mid-modern" media are splitting themselves obsessively to gain control of niche markets in a desperate attempt to preserve their financial and influential lives. There was once "the six o'clock news," and now we can watch dozens of news channels around the clock, all reporting from a different viewpoint. The new media - blogs, social networking sites, etc. - began their lives as archipelagoes and have only continued to split as their popularity rises. I could begin reading nothing but hyperliberal tripe this very moment and still have enough information that I could convince myself I was well and accurately informed about international and domestic policies. I could do the same with neo-con blather. I would be incorrect in either case, but I could do it. We have increasingly moved into a self-centered, self-selected reality and while variety is indeed the spice of life, how good an idea this is in the current context raises several serious questions.

Strangely, I believe that the desire to see news and information relayed in "our" preferred manner stems from a misunderstanding of the nature of political life. Not everything is necessarily liberal or conservative and even if something is of one stripe or the other, it may be passively so, the political leanings being wholly irrelevant to the thing itself. Moreover, our own weltanschaaung limits our understanding of political significance - what is daringly liberal in Tehran would hardly merited a batted eyelash from American conservatives. American media force active political context on every report and this leads us to similar thinking in our every day lives. Fox News, CNN, the Drudge Report, the Huffington Post, MSNBC...all of them spin all day long, and this perpetual state of abstract politics trains us all to think in these terms at all times and constantly try and pigeonhole all the events we observe or hear about into the same tightly and inaccurately defined terms. The "Liberal" and "Conservative" of today's media have little to do with classical liberal and conservative thought, but the usurpation of the terms have made it nearly impossible to discuss these classical politics without wild diversion.

The Internet, in particular, affords us extraordinary access into each others' lives and into the worldviews of those around us, but it is also singularly isolating. Every day, the number of people getting their news of the world from the Internet increases. On the Internet, the ability to pick and choose our sources and biases increases exponentially, and so does our ability to create our own images. If a person completely immerses himself in an environment of his own choosing, he lacks any shared context whence a viable debate can begin with another person from a different environment. How then can we discuss the challenges of our time...of any scope and scale? If my cocoon of information tells me dyeing my hair blonde is inherently bad and someone else has been told that dyeing hair blond is inherently good, there is no acknowledged gray area and a true debate cannot unfold. Hair dye is minor in the grand scheme of things; what havoc is loosed upon our discourse when the same concept is applied to say, healthcare?

The problems of the Internet as information source are compounded by its univeral volume. I'm sure almost everyone has declared that "Google can find anything" in some way, shape or form, and the problem is that this is true. There is a certain attitude that says any source is a good source - hello, Wikipedia - and this has permeated our lives more than we may realize. You can find something to back up any viewpoint on the Internet and people are increasingly willing to abandon the vetting of sources for the sake of shouting down opponents. The Internet also removes the reflexive politeness that accompanies face-to-face interaction, leaving us with little in the way of civility and a reckless approach to argument selection. Jason Calacanis explained a certain phenomenon he called "Internet Asperger's Syndrome" in a fascinating article here, and much of it rings true to me. People with Asperger's Syndrome traditionally have trouble identifying non-verbal cues from other people, including facial expressions, tone of voice, etc...all things that are removed from human interaction via the Internet. Those with Asperger's frequently have trouble with empathy, and you only need to check out the comments section on any newspaper's website to see the same effect online. We can be whoever we want to be online, but it may be at the expense of our ability to interact with other humans offline.

It is important to note that as so many of us pour our lives into the Internet, we risk abdication of our physical rights and powers. Many of those so invested have begun to equate online action with real world action. Nowhere is this more evident than in the various do-gooder applications on Facebook. I receive about five to ten invitations per week to join certain causes. I know that joining these makes certain types of people feel as though they have Done Something, but the opposite could not be more true. This is actually very similar to my problems with "legal" protests and protestors who do not follow up their appearances at rallies with letters to every representative they have. A "protest" for which permits have been pulled is not civil disobedience, it's a block party. If you don't write your representatives, you are just one face in a relatively well-behaved crowd. You must stand and be counted to make a difference, and clicking a button on your computer doesn't qualify, nor does showing up at an anti-war themed street fair. Decisionmakers will simply not be swayed by online petitions or neutered demonstrations. You have to make physical contact - a letter, a call, a meeting - and persist, on a personal level, for your voice to be heard. No wonder people feel betrayed by the government; the government and the polity behind it are free to do as they please while discounting the wishes of their constituents. If you knew the most opposition you would face would be People Being Angry On The Internet, would you care?

As we all shift into web-based lives, we move into the realm of pure theory and must begin relying on ethereal information to construct our understanding of the world. This is far more revolutionary than we give it credit for. We have all met people who we knew couldn't hack it in college and went anyway; he probably had something he excelled at, too, but going to college was what you did, so he went and did horribly. All paths are not made for all people. This new theoretical and customizable world is unlikely to fit everyone in much the same way. Some people simply do not care or do not know to vet their information and dig deeper beneath the headlines. Yet these people can begin a blog just as easily as I can and can tweet just as easily and I can, and their opinions will hold exactly the same weight. When paired with a decreasing regard for correct use of language, this creates an amorphous blob of competing words, all of equal weight and equal impact. Who should sort out all these conflicting views? Should anyone?

If we give ourselves completely over to the realm of the theoretical, some leading faction must inevitably rise to the top as a guiding influence. Humans naturally seek stability, so even if we take a brief plunge into what one could term informational anarchy, the odds are that we would see some modern form of the Social Contract emerge. It's hard to say how far the pervasiveness of the Internet would have to go before this could happen, or what form it would take. Most of the classical philosophers agree that in one way or the other, a leadership class will emerge. The nature of this class is always subject to both debate and context, but as we progress further into this ethereal state, the case for Plato's Philosopher King seems to rise anew. The dialogue in which this Philosopher King is discussed enumerates a variety of traits and qualities that such an individual must possess. It is understood that each human must pursue their own abilities to their greatest possible fulfillment; for the Philosopher Kings this means ruling the State with their increased faculty for superior perception of truth, justice and beauty, and for the Guardians of Plato's Republic, this means physical protection of these Kings and those they govern. Ultimately, all of us in these online worlds are seeking some form of truth; should not a Philosopher King emerge to guide us towards the ultimate truth, and pull us from the petty concerns with superficial and insignificant "truths" that are merely in the service of our own earthly desires? It is interesting to think that amidst a deconstruction of a centuries-old social order based on human-to-human interaction, the greatest opportunity for the rise of a true Philosopher King may emerge.

I'm not sure if an encroaching online reality demands a Philosopher King, nor if I or anyone else would want such a figure to emerge, but it's an interesting concept to ponder. Much ink has been spilled over the Internet's death sentence for true social interaction but if indeed our lives are to go all the way online and lead to the emergence of such a leader, could we not be on the verge of a chance to go back to the beginnings of society and determine the new face and course of our world? Neither idea is inherently positive or negative, but it is all worth thinking about.

Friday, August 7, 2009

This is Why No One Wants Healthcare

Dear Departments and Registries of Motor Vehicles,

I bet you guys' feelings have really taken a beating listening to people bitch about how they don't want national heathcare because the USPS and RMVs are terrible, poorly run government agencies and any national health system would be just as crappy and probably inject babies with poison. That really sucks, and I have to say, I've defended you many times to people making that argument. There are plenty of ways to argue against national healthcare, I would say, but ths USPS and RMV Argument is a weak approach.

Well let me tell you something...I have come up with a way to make people stop dissing you. You know how? STOP HIRING HEINOUS WENCHES AND HAVING OBNOXIOUS HOLD SYSTEMS THAT KEEP YOU LISTENING TO LOW-GRADE MUZAK FOR FORTY GODDAMN MINUTES.

All I wanted to do was re-register a company vehicle. I applied online, and you sent me an email all "sorry, no can do, call this number." I called once, thinking that I'd be able to get it sorted out no problem and move on my life, but thirty minutes of non-refundable life later, I had to go cover lunch for the temp downstairs. I got back a while later and dialed again, only to be on hold forty damn minutes, interrupted by alternating male and female voices telling me they cared, but couldn't talk right now. (Confidential to every automated system purchaser in the world - this only makes people angrier.)

That wouldn't really be a problem if the woman who picked up the phone wasn't the bitchiest sounding cranky ass I've had to talk to all damn week. You know what lady, I JUST WANT TO RENEW MY GODDAMN REGISTRATION. If I could have avoided talking to your unpleasant self, I would have, but your own idiotic website conspired against you SO HERE WE ARE.

So in conclusion, I'm GLAD people are being mean to you, RMV, because you have EARNED IT.

Die in a fire,

Me

PS - We have to go in and show them proof of insurance, because apparently at whatever stargate the RMV is operating from fax machines and scanning have not been invented.

Friday, July 24, 2009

A Brief Outburst On the Topic of Blogger

Dear Blogger,

I just took the better part of three days to format that fucking post about various cosmetics because I wanted to do something as radical as put a smaller, italicized, centered caption under a picture. At every turn, you add extra space and line breaks on me and then I have to go in to unfuck the HTML that you've added FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON. Sometimes this is no problem, but sometimes, like for instance if I have a bunch of photos I want to caption in the aforementioned crrrrraaazy manner. What the hell is that about? Why would you do that?

Oh and by the way, I really fucking love it when I spend time fixing stuff, hit post and then view the blog, only to find out that you have refucked what I just spent time unfucking. What do people do when they don't know shit about HTML? I only know this crap because I had a ghetto-ass Geocities site at one point in my life and had to learn it to survive. What about people like my Grandmother, who like the idea of blogging but only really have the computer basics down?

WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING GRANDMOTHERS?

I hate you, please stop failing at this level.

Love,

Me

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Cannonball Read #26: Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer

Full disclosure:
  1. Most of what I previously knew about Twilight, I learned from the Bumper Sticker application on Facebook.
  2. What I learned about it via that route made me scared, vaguely hostile and confused.
  3. That information included: Edward Cullen is a vampire. Edward drives a silver Volvo. Edward is sparkly. Someone named Jacob is involved. There are a lot of teenage girls with seriously unbalanced approaches to their love lives.
  4. I have poked a lot of fun at Twilight without having read it.
  5. I felt kind of bad about that.
Luckily, I no longer have to feel bad about it, because every single last swipe I took at this stupid ass book was 100% justified and dead on. Oh my God, what a waste of paper...LOTS of paper, too, I mean, this is probably the book that's going to make Tolkien a prophet. I see someone reading laughable sections of this tripe out loud under a tree, and the tree will hear it and be like "yo, my neighbors got hacked down so people could print THIS shit on their dead, pulped carcasses? FUCK THAT NOISE," and then the next thing you know all the trees achieve Ent-style sentience and are headed for Meyer's publisher reading to wreck shop. I say right the fuck on. This book is offensive to such a broad swath of my sensibilities I hardly know where to start.

Let's start with the more clinical problems, shall we? How about the horrible fucking writing? When it's not just straight up boring and unimaginative prose (which would just render it a mildly boring but inoffensive beach book), it's completely over-comma-ed with superfluous phrases all over the joint. I give you this gem: "I quickly rubbed my hand across my cheek, and sure enough, traitor tears were there, betraying me." The reason for the crying is as stupid as the crappy writing but I assure you, we will get to that soon enough. Here's the thing...traitors? Betray. That is the nature of a traitor. Adding "betraying me" at the end doesn't make you sound deep or soulful, it makes you sound unfamiliar with what your chosen adjective is. This is a constant problem in Meyer's book; she just doesn't know where to stop. If not for those last two words, that sentence wouldn't be nearly as horrid - it would still be dumb in context, but again, that's content - but in a lame attempt to add...whatever to her piece, Meyer adds all this extraneous crap that just clunks along, sucking the bag as it goes.

Also, this book is actually about 200 pages. If you shucked off all the repetitive junk she's packed into this behemoth, it would be a trim, quick read. But no, we need to hear nine thousand times the most boring details of Bella Swan's braindead high school life. Ohhhhh boys like her but she's in love with Edward. Ohhhh her friends are drama queens. And lest we forget the most important theme - Edward being dangerous. Let me do you a favor:

"I'm so dangerous! But I can't stay away. Even though I am dangerous."
"I don't care! I'm too retarded to comprehend the threat you pose to me! Plus you are pretty!"
"But I am DANGEROUSLY pretty. I constantly want to cause you harm - it is my nature. Stay away! But don't leave me."
"I will never leave you! I am a hazard to myself and others, as evidenced by the fact that I fall down a lot! Also you may have heard that I am an idiot!"
"You cannot be trusted to save yourself...so I must save you. From myself. Because I am dangerous. BUT I CANNOT STAY AWAY."

There you go. That is the whole fucking book. I just saved you 498 pages and several non-refundable hours of your life. Feel free to send presents to me any time. The amount of time and ink completely wasted in the process of relaying the same thought over and fucking over again is absolutely staggering. In The Club Dumas, one of the characters mentions the cheapness of modern bookbindings and how we have all these aged relics but today's writing will eventually disappear because we didn't treat it with respect? Yeah, well, THANK GOD, in this case. Our posterity would destroy the social order and start from scratch if they found out we read - and in some cases, FREAKED OUT OVER - this crap.

Most of all, though, this book pokes me right in the feminist. It is 2009, people. No one has to waste time on simpering and fainting daintily. And yet THIS is what we offer up to young women as the model of a great relationship. Let me be clear with you, ladies...this is not a good relationship. This is ABUSE. This is a situation that calls for a restraining order. If some dude is coming into your room at night unannounced to watch you sleep (particularly, I should note, if this person has spent about 150 pages telling you how dangerous to you he is because he wants to drink your blood), that is not romantic, it is STALKING. If he treats you like you're incapable of functioning, you need to tell him to go pound sand and remind him that you somehow managed to live before you met him. If he orders you around and sometimes physically restrains you in order to get his way? CALL THE FUCKING POLICE.

Christ on a bike, this is the stuff that makes me want to go have a hysterectomy. And lest we forget - it's not just teenage girls who love this stuff and idolize Edward. Oh no no no. You know how I came to have a copy of this to read? My Mom's idiot book club is reading it, because all the ladies just loooooove it (My Mom disagrees, thank the dear sweet Lord. You know why? Because my Mom is awesome). What grown woman looks at this situation and says anything except "yo...that's fucked up"????

And did I mention this part?: "I knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I'd never done before. I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine - the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours."

Or the part where Edward is STILL all So Dangerous, But Cannot Stay Away on page, like...400?

What a waste of time. I understand the draw of this shitshow even LESS now. I didn't even think that was possible. My god. I don't even know what to recommend as an alternative. If you like this stuff, or God forbid, think there's any quality involved, there is literally nothing I can recommend to you that you'd be able to process. Go...run around in the yard or something. Ugh.

498 pages