The School of Heinous Wenches

Dear Schools That Run Commercials During The People's Court,


First of all, I don't care if you think it's strange that I DVR and religiously watch The People's Court even though the AARP has never sent me anything, even a four function calculator. I've had about enough of your derision and I don't think it's very nice of you to keep bringing it up.


Second of all, I think maybe you misunderstood the point of advertising, because all of your commercials feature complete douchebags who I would rather fork myself in my own personal eyeball than attend class with. The point of commericals is making people WANT to attend your semi-accredited college. Instead, you offer such hits as:

• Girl with Permanent Bitchface comes home to commence whinging about a litany of past sub-par jobs in a voice that would drive Jesus to stabbing. (NB - how her crappy jobs differ from the crappy jobs everyone in the known universe works in high school is not explained.)
• Girl with Permanent Bitchface is working in a store when one of her high school classmates comes in, proceeds to talk shit about High School Classmate with a friend before pretending to like High School Classmate.
• Girl with Permanent Bitchface stands in front of camera and bitches mightily about why her life sucks, then morphs into Girl with Permanent Bitchface In Scrubs and says "if I can do it, so can you," thus setting the bar for, you know, LIFE, so low roaches are leaping over that shit.

I think the point of these commercials is actually that these nice, sunnily-dispositioned individuals attend your colleges, but since the heinous wenches featured are in fact so heinous that it seems like you're saying, "if you're a heinous wench, you too can attend our college!" I feel that this is a mistake.

Finally, you might want to dial back the annoyance factor. There are twin commercials based on the vicious circle concept, one of which is not bad. It features someone saying a bunch of phrases ("I'm not making enough money...I need a better job...I can't get a better job because I need better education...I can't afford better education because I'm not making enough money") over and over again until another voice cuts in and says "Stop the vicious cycle! Go to Heinous Wench College! We will throw money at you!" The evil twin of this commercial sends me into FITS when it comes on, and features a hyperactive, shrill female voice shrieking "I got a great job because I went to SCHOOL...I went to SCHOOL because I wanted a good caREER" before the Voice of Soothing Shutting Up comes in and I collapse on the floor, bleeding from my ears and twitching. Again, I would recommend against this approach, since irritating the everloving shit out of people isn't really the most positive approach you could take.

Love,

Me

PS - Stop cheapening my degree with your stupid buy-a-degree programs for people who can't hack it in the academic world.