Mid-Semester Professorial Excellence

I have some of the best professors ever, and to prove it, I offer some of their gems from this semester so far. Missing is an EXCELLENT diatribe about kindergardens basically being biological weapons development facilities that was too long and ebullient for me to scribble down in my margins, and for this reason I have GOT to start taking a Dictaphone to class.

"Oh my God...thank God you're not my daughter. You'd be beaten every day." Remarkably, not directed at me.

"Ginger! Ginger! I like your shirt! You look like a zebra from the future!" Apropos of absolutely nothing whatsoever, in reference to a totally normal pale blue and white striped shirt.

"Obama's going to meet with them and say...what? 'What's your foreign policy?' 'Jihad.' 'Okay.'"

"I'm sorry, they got disintegrated, that was their punishment."

"So, your allies shot at you. That's bad. But they missed! So that's good! But then...your allies...can't...hit you, so...they suck." In reference to Pakistan firing on American soldiers by "accident"

"Don't ask me to explain the French to you. I mean, I'm trying to explain defective Italians and Germans to you, don't ask me about the French."

"The EMP...do we know what EMP is?" *general murmurs of knowledge and a couple people saying "electromagnetic pulse"* "Yeah, we know this from the Matrix, right? Where we get all our foreign policy. Just be like Neo."

*extended hacking cough* "Jesus, I sound like a jalopy."

"Because if you do, I'll get upset. *pause* I'm an irascable person, okay."

"If you like that, become a professor. 'What'd you do today?' 'Well, I barged into a colleague's office and asked him, "isn't it weird that earth has no nature?"' *pause* And I get paid for it. It is extremely cool."