Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Meanwhile, In a News Studio Far, Far Away...

My friend Joe sent me a message today that said "have you heard herman cain's gospel album yet?"  Needless to say, I assumed this was a joke, but no, my friends...GOP Presidential candidate Herman Cain has a gospel album out.  It's actually pretty good!!  He has a good voice, though the songs available on that link are kind of muzak-y gospel.  Bravo, Mr. Cain!  Please do more singing and stop running for President.

Joe and I talked a little bit about the album, and he eventually declared: "Barack Obama must respond, preferably with rap."

This is what happened in my mind after I read that sentence.

"What the hell is that?"  One of the producers peered into the monitor, his lips pulling back over his teeth as his eyes narrowed into intent slits.  "Is he...bleeding?  Cut to camera 3 until we can get makeup in there."

In front of the cameras, a drop of blood fell to the shoulder of Bill O'Reilly's meticulously tailored suit, soaking into the patriotic navy blue wool.  He shook his head slightly, flinging fine droplets across his desk.  "And when we come back, we'll be with Neil Cavuto to talk about the latest economic policy."  As the broadcast cut to commercial, the makeup team and one of the cameramen ran to O'Reilly.  The anchor was surprised by the flurry of activity, but as he put his hand to his ear to verify the makeup artist's story, he caught sight of a PA standing at the far side of the studio.  "What's that kid doing?"  The PA was clutching a sheaf of papers and staring at one of the lights.  The papers were shaking as though an extremely localized tornado was passing through, and the young man's mouth hung open, a thin stream of drool escaping onto his shirt.  The makeup team's head whipped between the PA and O'Reilly, who now had a stream of blood running from his ear.

"Guys, we have to be on air in 30 seconds, move it!"  One of the cameramen went to check out the PA while the team did what they could to stanch the bleeding and repair O'Reilly's makeup.  As the broadcast resumed, O'Reilly and Cavuto began discussing the economic squabble of the moment, only to be interrupted by a loud BANG.  O'Reilly looked up at the control window and saw half the glass obscured by a horrific splatter of greenish-yellow goo.  This was the point where Cavuto noticed that the bleeding at O'Reilly's ear had started again.  "Bill, your ear..." he began, only to be interrupted by another BANG, this one from the PA who had taken ill not minutes before.  When the two men looked in that direction, all they saw was the cameraman, covered in gore, trying to crawl towards them with a piece of paper.  Cavuto got up, followed closely by O'Reilly, and ran to the man.

"Obama...has...a rap album."

With this last missive delivered, the cameraman relaxed, smiling beatifically, and then exploded, covering the talent in a sheen of greenish bile.  As those words were spoken aloud, a massive explosion rocked Fox News.  The windows shattered, though the structure remained intact.  When the medical examiners released their report, they could only say that the cause of the combustions suffered by every member of Fox News were undetermined, but noted that if they had to take a guess, they would have said it looked like they all died of sheer glee.

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