New Hamster

First, foremost, and eternally, I LOVE New Hampshire's collective relationship with Presidential elections. As most know, New Hampshirians are generally a pretty unique bunch, what with the Living Free or Dying and the no taxes and the kind of communal kingdom situation. But they are at their absolute best every four years when the elections come up.

The thing that no one beside MAYBE Iowans can understand is the overwhelming press that candidates put on New Hampshire. We get a fair number of TV channels that share a broadcast range with our northern neighbors, so we see how saturated the airwaves are with overearnest, dramatic commercials, and also get something that is the very pinnacle of fabulousness - New Hampshire news coverage. New Hampshirians are besieged every cycle with the candidates, their staffs, celebrities on the stump, and massive, roving platoons of volunteers, all actively interrupting any number of each person's daily life to harangue them for their vote. While CNN and the other national news sources wax poetic about how lucky New Hampshire residents are to have such amazing exposure to the primary system and the many treasures therein, it's important to note that none of these hordes are harassing the newspeople's own personal selves. New Hampshire voters basically seem to become irritated into completely ignoring things that often gain the candidates knee-jerk votes, like personality, speaking ability, etc., and instead focus obsessively on actual issues. Thus a caustic but hilarious (and often encouraging) relationship has sprung up, which spices up the evening news more than I can possibly explain. For example, let's compare some completely made up but representative samples of news in different states.

Super Tuesday State Resident, Accosted by News Team En Route to Polls
Newsperson: So what's driving your vote today?
Voter: I'm voting for Obama because he will bring HOPE AND CHANGE to the US!
Newsperson: Were there any special issues that brought you over to his side?
Voter: Yes, he'll bring change!

New Hampshire Resident, Accosted in Similar Fashion
Newsperson: So what's driving your vote today?
Voter: Obama.
Newsperson: Were there any special issues that brought you over to his side?
Voter: Well, let me tell you, I've been checking out the health care plans and comparing them, and of course I want someone who will take the best approach in Iraq, so after reading up I'm voting for Obama. But let me tell you, he starts talking about [insert pet peeve issue] and I might go for Hillary. Besides which, [random trivia/knowledge about assorted platform planks].

Love it. If only everyone would research their shit that way. Of course, New Hampshire being New Hampshire, they also tend to pump out election results I'm not really down with (10:19, 61% reporting - Clinton 39%, Obama 36%; McCain 37%, Romney 31%), but that's sort of part of the charm, no?

****************FOR NEW HAMPSHIRE'S EYES ONLY****************

Dear New Hampshire,

Dude, you guys live WAY too close to Massachusetts to not know what a fucktard Romney is. I know they called McCain already, but still, don't be encouraging that smarmy douchebag.

Love,

Me

****************END CONFIDENTIAL TRANSMISSION****************

So okay, happy feelings and confidential transmissions dispensed with, can we talk for a minute about who we should care about, voter-wise? Many times I have found myself envying the Australian system where voting is mandatory. I don't remember what the penalty is, though I like to imagine it's really aggressive and draconian, but the idea of having the day off with your only job being to vote and participate in your government really sounds great to me. The problem, of course, is that you have to question the level of comprehension and engagement. I always try and talk people into voting, but then sometimes scary things happen, like when my coworker (pretty much the only person with the political intelligence of a mollusk at my company so don't be thinking they're all like this) launched into a long and comprehensively moronic discussion about how whoever raises the most money wins (I see where this came from, but still wrong), and how drugs are only illegal because someone paid a lot of money to make them that way. So, if we require people to vote, that means she's voting too. Yikes.

Scarlett mentioned today a desire to have some kind of intelligence exam before being allowed to vote. Sort of the opposite of the Australian concept, and certainly not the first time Scarlett OR I have mentioned the potential benefit of this idea (usually amidst a C-SPAN fueled rage). That comment was the first thing I thought of when a CNN anchor, while discussing the reaction of people to the Tears of Hillary incident, uttered the following words:

"...of people who made up their minds today, 43% went for Hillary, and 39% went for Obama."

If anyone can give my one single reason I should care even for a passing second about the opinion of some oblivious idiot who didn't make their mind up until THE DAY OF THE FUCKING PRIMARY, I will give you every dollar in my own personal bank account. I can understand if you live in a state that's not Iowa or New Hampshire, but dude come on. You can't swing a goddamn cat in either state without hitting some kind of political influence. I'm sorry, but you're not taking in the bulk of information being hurled at you from all angles without making some kind of judgment call on it. You're either lying, in which case I don't give a shit about how you voted, or your a fucking mongoloid, in which case - surprise! - I don't give a shit about how you voted.

And seriously, fuck you CNN, for even mentioning that statistic. We used to be cool, man...we used to be cool.