I Want I Want I Want

I want a sandal that...

...is not made by the Crocs people.
...is not made for surfers.
...does not have a platform three inches tall.
...is not a flipflop.
...does not have seventeen pounds of spangly shit on it.
...maybe has SOME spangly shit on it.
...is not a flipflop PLUS a four inch heel. (Dude WTF?)
...is not a uniquely hideous color.
...is not black.
...is not white.
...does not take twenty minutes of strapping to put on.
...will not fall off when walking is attempted.
...does not go all the way up to my knee.
...has a heel JUST enough to make my calves look good.
...works with at least 50% of my dresses.
...whose deployment can be figured out by looking.

Why is this so hard? I just want a cute fucking sandal!