Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Most Amazing Slice of Whacked Out, Batshit Insanity Ever Committed to Celluloid

I am currently resting in the calm before the impending storm that is the month of January. Next week, I'm leaving for DC for the Inauguration, staying down there just long enough to return on the SECOND day of school (luckily, I'm taking all poli sci classes this semester, so forgiveness is more likely), and then about fourteen seconds after I get home, the AHL All Star Classic will kick off, and I'll be busy running around making shit happen and drinking heavily.

Boy, the more I think about it, the more simple explaining January gets. I'm just going to be shitfaced from the 15th until February.

So anyway, I'm chilling out. For some reason, I decided last night that this should include watching Doomsday, which sparked my interest primarily because of a vague memory I had of it being "that movie with the chick with the tattoos on her face and lots of yelling and maybe zombies." Which...apparently was appealing to me. Whatever. Watching this movie managed to be the best decision I have maybe ever made in my life, and I am now practically suicidal with depression over not having seen it in theatres. (More or less) simply put, it's the most pointlessly violent, deranged, nonsensical, awesome, glorious, magnificent ode to dementia I ever dared dream existed. Let me just share with you a brief piece of the conversation I had with Celia while I was watching it. (PAST THIS POINT, THERE WOULD BE SPOILERS IF THERE WAS ANY WAY THIS MOVIE MADE SENSE EVER IN THE WORLD.)

There is zero point
It's set in the near future...there was some kind of virus so they quarantined SCOTLAND (yes, Scotland) via giant metal wall
So after much fighting and stabbing and even a cooking which was interesting involving military types from the clean side and the heavily tattooed crazy-ass types
There are now people on horseback

They exploded a bunny
For no reason

Oh okay I just found out why they went into Scotland, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Oh my god this is glorious
Okay they went into scotland bcause the virus appeared on the non-scotland side
In London
Which you may note is not actually all that close to Scotland
But the IMPORTANT PART is that one of the infected dudes just broke into wherever the fuck the PM is supposed to be hiding out, by first lopping off a guard's hand to pass a fingerprint scan and then
Well, there was a retinal scan required, need I say more?

Oh and let me tell you, that wasn't even the half of the amazingness. After a daring escape via train (obviously), the heroes (maybe??) wound up in the woods, where they got captured on purpose by PEOPLE ON HORSES IN MEDEIVAL ARMOR. Then eventually there was a gladiator fight - chick in workout gear versus giant person in armor modelled after an armadillo. And then - THEN! - somehow they find a pristine Bentley and a BOX OF GPS UNITS in a fallout shelter and then escape as one of their comrades is shot with arrows. And then this happens:

I titled this picture "magic.jpg" when I stole it off the Internet.

Just in case your brain shut down and refused to interpret what it was seeing, that is a Bentley racing some kind of roided out chopper made out of random vehicle parts and probably lots of human matter like skin and bones and shit.

Oh, and it has a gimp tied to the front of it.

If I need to tell you that within three minutes, the passenger of the Bentley asked the gimp if he liked pain, the gimp did something weird but affirmative with his tongue, and then the chopper immediately smashed into a solid object and exploded with about a bazillion times the force of any remotely possible amount of on-board fuel, then you are not fully in the spirit of Doomsday. I am STILL not wholly sure I understand what the hell was going on at the end of the movie, but I am 100% sure that it was awesome.

I really can't say enough about this movie. I think I am actually dumber now. My IQ dropped drastically as a direct result of this flick, and yet I cannot WAIT to watch it again. It's by far the most whacked out, moronic crap I have ever seen, and I love it with such an immense stupid love I don't know how to explain it.

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