Wednesday, November 19, 2008

"I Want To Blame You, Then Kill You."

Dear Drivers of Worcester,

I realize I left the city for Holden but as a Worcester Consortium student with parents still in residence in Worcester, I DEMAND that I receive my portion of whatever drugs they are handing out at the DMV, because seriously people, what. The. Fuck.

Yeah, guy who pulled a full, illegal, pointless u-turn at a major lighted intersection for no immediately apparent reason at TWO GODDAMN MILES AN HOUR, proceeded to nearly take the back end off a mail truck, and then somehow - and I say somehow because despite watching this happen I STILL do not know how the fuck you accomplished it - managed to steal someone's parking space WHILE THEY WERE PARKING IN IT? Fuck you, guy. Fuck you long, hard, and pointlessly. Also, when I honk at you, do NOT act like you have no idea what I could possibly be irritated by, because there is no way you do not realize the consummate douchiness of your driving skills.

Moreover, you two jackasses who decided to engage in some kind of tag team match with my car while I was at the game by parking about six inches off my front AND rear bumpers can catch fire and die horribly. Dude on my front bumper, YOU were parked illegally and also I think obstructing an entire lane of traffic. Jank-ass Corolla behind me, I'd just like to note that there were about THREE GODDAMN MILES OF OPEN SPACE behind you, so I'm going to assume you just have some kind of mental defect that keeps you from parking like a normal human. But I really want to know...are you just really fucking bad at parking? Do you not understand how it works? Are you a fucking moron? To paraphrase a very smart man..."when I see that, I want to blame you, then key the everloving shit out of your car."

And WHILE WE'RE ON THE TOPIC, Worcester Parking Police, you people are why atheism happens. If I parked even HALF as poorly as these motherfuckers, my car wouldn't even be COOL by the time you ticketed me, and yet these dipshits park like blind people piloting oil tankers and they blissfully sail through life without fear of parking fines.

Listen to me, people...share the crack rocks they're doling out in Drivers' Ed and start driving and parking like civilised human beings, or I am going to ram you with my vehicle.

Love,

Me

4 comments:

  1. Oh dear. I had a similar driving experience as with the u-turn guy the other day. I almost hurt someone.

    Incidentally,when did the WoPo get parking cops? I've obviously been away too long.

    I am so not looking forward to driving through Worcester county to your parents' house in a few weeks. 495? 290? Worcester? Ugh.

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  2. Of course you are the PERFECT driver and no other driver has ever called you a jackass. And there are never brain dead drivers on the streets of Holden. I abhor people with holier-than-thou-attitudes.

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  3. Josie the Massachusetts PussycatNovember 20, 2008 at 10:19 PM

    I may not be a perfect driver, nor is every driver in Holden, but by some miracle, yeah, I have managed to avoid pulling illegal u-turns in the middle of major intersections, attempting to park in the same space that someone's actively parking in, and am capable of choosing a parking space that is outside of the person in front of me's tailpipe. You have GOT to be kidding me, dude.

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  4. Who the hell is this Alco asswipe?

    But anyway, I have to say that I feel you on this. The weather is starting to get bad here and people are already forgetting how to drive. I also hate it when people do shit like that - I don't think a lot of people realize they're driving a 2 ton weapon. Idiots.

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