Monday, November 10, 2008

Connaitrez-vous Jonathan Lee Riches?

Every now and then, the global gene pool churns out a human being so divinely nutty that you can't help but marvel at them. I hope, with all the teensy little quarks in the atoms of the molecules of the tissues of my heart, that you have heard about one such individual...Mr. Jonathan Lee Riches, Chief Executive Officer of Being Nuttier Than Squirrel Shit.

Mr. Riches is a guest of the State of South Carolina (wire fraud, in case you're wondering), and he wiles away his time by filing some of the most spectacularly demented lawsuits the legal world has ever seen. At this juncture, I would like to thank Wikipedia, which thanked me for using it to figure out what prison this dude was in by informing me that he has filed over one thousand lawsuits since January of 2006. MAGIC.

Like any great artist, his works' quality waxes and wanes, but here's a sampling of the best of the best.
  • There was that time he tried to get in on the Hamdan decision because Donald Rumsfeld was torturing him.
  • He also decided to sue Perez Hilton into shutting down his website, because it was endangering his life...just how it presents a hazard is kind of in the eye of the beholder. He also says that he and Perez dated and he committed a somewhat thrilling array of crimes for Perez's sake.
  • Then he sued Barry Bonds and Bud Selig for violating...most of the Constitution. There was something about selling drugs to nuns. He was doing business as "The White Suge Knight" at the time. Saddam Hussein was also involved. If you only read one of these filings, make it this one.
  • Did we mention the time that Steve Jobs hired OJ Simpson as a hitman, and aimed missiles at Riches' brain?
  • One way you may have heard of Riches before is via his lawsuit against Michael Vick, in which he demanded 63 billion gold-and-silver-backed dollars for the theft of dogs that were later sold on Ebay. Yeah.
I bring all of these to you to celebrate the filing of one of Riches' newest works, in which he claims GORDON GEKKO as an, I'm sorry, he actually lists himself as "d/b/a Gordon Gekko" which is a.) hysterical, b.) remarkably self aware, given the volume of completely frivilous lawsuits he's brought to the world, and c.) fucking GREAT. Did I mention that the particularl business that Riches is DOING as Gekko is suing a variety of people connected with World of Warcraft for making him commit crimes as a result of having to fight "cybermonsterrivalhackergangs"? I enjoy this so much that I would like to move that the US declare November 3rd Jonathan Lee Riches Day, to be celebrated nationwide through the filing of the most deranged lawsuits the general public can concoct.

Thanks to Above the Law, Quizlaw and the Smoking Gun for monitoring Riches' various suits and presenting them in handy formats.

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