Thursday, August 12, 2010

Bonus Book Review Brought To You By Canada: The Hockey Sweater

So I'm sure you've all adjusted to my very well executed schedule of Wednesday book reviews (...snerk), but I HAVE to bust in with a review of my new favorite book. I came home on Thursday of last week and had a package from Amazon...but I had not ordered anything from Amazon! I opened it up and found this:
Now, let's be clear here. I love surprises (I'll be 30 in three years, people) and I love the Canadiens, so any surprise that involves adorable Habs-based books is going to be a win. I still did not know who it was from, so I harassed my friends via email and found out it was a gift from my favorite Canadian/Leafs fan/hockey player/Torontonian/lumberjack/kilt-wearer/nocturnal cuddler/wrestler, Ben! Ben is awesome, and was very nice after the USA-Canada game in the Olympics, all things considered. (He is wrong about Gretzky a lot, though.)

Anyway, this gift was a base level of awesome, but then - THEN! - I read it, and all my dreams came true, including several I didn't even know I had. The story is about a little boy who has a Rocket Richard jersey that he loves into oblivion. His mom orders him a replacement, but the store sends a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. HORRORS! He wears it to a game, gets shunned by children AND adults, throws a temper tantrum, gets told to go to church to repent for his hockey tantrum, and then prays for revenge. I am spoiling this because a.) I think all of Canada has read it already and b.) it cannot be contained! Here are some of my favorite lines and plot points.
  • "Parents always want to punish their children and school is their most natural way of punishing us."
  • "My mother said: 'If you wear that old sweater, people are going to think we are poor!'"
  • "Dear Monsieur Eaton, Would you be so kind as to send me a Canadiens' hockey sweater for my son, Roch, who is ten years old and a little bit tall for his age? Docteur Robitaille thinks he is a little too thin. I am sending you three dollars. Please send me change if there is any. I hope your packing will be better than it was last time." Read: Mom is kind of a dick.
  • "Besides, the Toronto team was always being beaten by the Canadiens." Still true!
  • "Monsieur Eaton understands French perfectly, but he's English and he's going to be insulted because he likes the Maple Leafs." This is accompanied by a picture of Monsieur Eaton looking very Robber Baron-y.
  • "I jumped onto the ice [in my Maple Leafs jersey]...The captain came and told me to wait; he'd need me later, on defense." KID SHUNNING!
  • "[The ref giving me a too many men penalty] was too much! It was too unfair! 'This is persecution!' I shouted. 'It's just because of my blue sweater!'"
  • [The curate tells him that good boys keep their tempers and tells him to go pray for forgiveness.] "Wearing my Maple Leafs sweater I went to the church, where I prayed to God." *page turn* "I asked God to send me right away, a hundred million moths that would eat up my Toronto Maple Leafs sweater."
AMAZING, NO?? Buy yourself a copy immediately.

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