Email Behavior That Is Not Okay (Profanity-Filled Edition, Sorry Family)

Okay, can someone explain to me why it is somehow okay to send motherufucking SPAM to people you don't know and are not friends with? I tolerate this shit from my mother but that's where I draw the line because for my mom, the internet is still a little bit from the future and that's just how things are sometimes, PLUS she by some miracle manages to restrain herself from forwarding to me every single goddamn email she recieves and only sends interesting ones that she thinks I will be interested in. MY FUCKING GRANDMOTHER doesn't send me spam, and she's only had a computer for five years tops.

So anyway, let me tell you a story...a story about the fucking Booster Club. In the club leadership, there was once a special little snowflake in the shape of an extremey dim bulb, who is obnoxious, crass, and generally stupid beyond all sense and reason. Not only did this woman once opt to tell a story about her and her sorority sisters COLORING A DUDE'S BALLS PURPLE when he passed out at a party TO MY PARENTS, but she also once asked "what I was going to do" when board meetings - which non-board members are not supposed to attend - were held AT MY MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE. I am going to SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM AND EAT GRAPES NAKED IF I FEEL LIKE IT YOU STUPID MONGOLOID! Jesus Christ. So that covers the obnoxious and crass pretty well, how about the stupid, Br'er Josie? WELL CHILDREN, I HAPPEN TO HAVE A STORY RIGHT HERE! She had occasion to use the club email which until recently was a ghetto Hotmail process whereby you had to email different groups blah blah blah ANYWAY the key was that you had to email YOURSELF and blind CC the group so that you didn't merrily share everyone's email with everyone else. Needless to say the Special Little Dim Bulb was UTTERLY FUCKING UNABLE TO GRASP THIS CONCEPT so now I get a shit ton of FUCKING SPAM EMAIL FROM FUCKING BOOSTERS which I'm sure I don't need to tell you is ALL of the retarded variety.

So today I get an email from someone I cannot fucking stand, like, I wind up fidgeting with my hands because my ONE GUT REACTION TO HER FUCKING MEALY MOUTHING is to PUNCH her as hard and as fast as I can until the POLICE PULL ME OFF OF HER. AND of course the email is about a Visa/MasterCard scam where they call you and ask for your v-code on the back of the card. LISTEN MOTHERFUCKER, YOU MAY BE TOO STUPID TO FIGURE OUT THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE GIVING RANDOM STRANGERS YOUR CREDIT CARD INFORMATION OVER THE PHONE BUT I AM NOT SO DON'T FUCKING EMAIL ME!

And while you're at it, don't send me any fucking emails with every photo EVER TAKEN, STARTING WITH THE CRUSADES featuring a member of the armed services with messages about how liberals hate the troops, and DEFINITELY don't send me your BULLSHIT emails with eleventy fucking billion blinking motherfucking smilies and animated piles of shit!

DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT EPILEPSY, MOTHERFUCKER?

Oh my sweet jesus. By now I figure many of you will want to avoid incurring this kind of wrath, so let me provide you with a handy list of questions you can ask yourself to make sure you're on the right path before hitting "forward."

1. Would I write this person a personal note via email?
2. Does this person often look at me like they are wondering what my freshly-spilt blood would taste like? (Josie Specific Version: When talking to the emailee in person, do they begin to show a distinct effort to keep their eyes focused, and/or start spastically messing with their ring and hands?)
3. Does the email you're about to forward involve references to pop culture trivia that was hip more than 5 years ago?
4. Has the potential forward passed hands more than eleventy billion times?

If you answered YES to any of these questions, and still want to forward your email, please unplug your computer, set it back up in your bathroom, place the tower in your bathtub, and soak away your daily aggravations. And one more thing: RANDOM PEOPLE YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS WITH ARE NOT THERE TO COMPLETE YOUR LIST OF TEN "FRIENDS" TO FUCKING FORWARD YOUR EMAIL TO SO YOU CAN AVOID GETTING HIT BY A CAR WHILE BEING DRAWN AND QUARTERED BY BADGERS. SEEING AN EMAIL ADDRESS is not permission to send whatever shitty email you want to the person it belongs to. I could not care less that you are too socially retarded to have ten friends to send your fucking forwards to -JUST SAY NO, MOTHERFUCKER! If the SHUT DOWN OF THE NORTH KOREAN NUCLEAR PROJECT depended on my caring about your lack of friends, I still wouldn't give a shit. The next forwarded fucking email and I'm letting loose on your sorry ass.