The Case Against Evolution

As part of my job, I process rebates for refrigerators. One of the things that boggles my mind on a routine basis is the phenomenon of people getting IRATE, seriously irate, when I send them a denial letter because they were missing information. Let's simplify - you want me to give you, as a reward for doing something that will a.) help the environment and b.) save you money anyway as your electric costs go down, $150, basically for free, or if you'd like, the 41 cents it costs to mail your application. I am willing to do this. However, I would like you to send me a couple things, all of which you have in your posession. To wit:

1. Completed application form.

2. Receipt from your purchase.

3. Yellow EnergyStar label which comes attached to your fridge.

Again, YOU HAVE ALL OF THESE THINGS. This is what an EnergyStar label looks like. You will notice that when we say "yellow," we are not messing around. We mean yellow of the retina-scorching variety.

In order to complete your application form, you need to know or find out your address, your name, and some information about the fridge you just spent probably upwards of $400 on. I have learned, even at the grand old age of 24, that although I will make damn sure I know everything there is to know about anything I am spending $400 of my own personal money on, this is not true of everyone. Luckily, we have the Retinal Demolition Device that tells us all about the new centerpoint of your kitchen. The important part of the form looks like this.

Sorry it's small. However, you may notice that while you may not know this off the top of your head, you can easily locate the information. Observe.

Again, I know this is small, but my god people it's full size in real life and WHY ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE WITH SUCH A SIMPLE FORM? It says in at least eight places on the application that all information can be found on the yellow EnergyStar label, and that's even before you take into account any times that the person giving them the form mentions it. I understand some confusion about the icemaker, because the form means "is there an icemaker in the door" (...which would save energy because you are not opening the door to get ice) but is not very clear about it, so people often think that having an automatic icemaker inside of their fridge counts, but instead, about half the applicants just...don't circle anything. I don't get it.

My favorite though is when people circle MULTIPLE TYPES of fridge. The categories are: side-by-side, top freezer, bottom freezer, and single door. Why on earth would you review these choices and then circle BOTH side-by-side and bottom freezer? I mean, yeah, some of these fridges have two sections, and one is half fridge, half freezer, but...do the choices not indicate that we want to know basically how the doors are oriented?

I hate to get all philosophical on y'alls asses, but I learned how to fill out a form pretty early. I also learned to READ the form before letting pen touch paper pretty early. I wish I knew when and where specifically I learned this, so I could be all snide and start with the "my momma taught me" lines but...it was just a survival skill. I sort of start freaking out when think about how many people's forms come in completely discombobulated and screwed up because somehow, some of these people filled out college applications. All of these people probably filled out job applications. And you know what, I bet that those applications, for school and work, were FLAWLESS, because "those matter." Why not apply the same level of detail to your whole life? What is wrong with that? Ick.