Cannonball Read #27: Gladiator: A True Story of Roids, Rage and Redemption by Dan Clark a.k.a. Nitro

As readers of this blog probably know, Rich and I are constantly in the running for Classiest Household In America, which - obviously - is why we watch American Gladiators. The new version lacks some of the grit that the original had and adds the generally repulsive Hulk Hogan and the wooden Laila Ali, who I think probably should have been made one of the Gladiators and kept far, far away from the microphone. American Gladiators is more Rich's time frame than mine, but I am familiar with the original. The current show's Gladiators seem more scripted than their predecessors and tend to follow certain characters that seem assigned rather than organically realized. Even in old YouTubed clips, the old Gladiators are less polished but more amusingly off-the-cuff in their comments, and I think it makes for a more entertaining show.

Gladiator: A True Story of 'Roids, Rage and Redemption is a far more important book than the reasons for which most will buy it. There's been a lot of talk about steroids in the past couple years, from Barry Bonds to Roger Clemens and all the people and drugs in between. The discussion usually centers around whether or not steroids give the taker a competitive advantage, but it's fairly unusual for the matter to be addressed as a public safety issue. Clark, who played the popular character of Nitro on the original Gladiators series, is startlingly open about his experiences with steroids in this book and I believe that in sharing his story in an entertaining portrait of a fairly glamorous life, he's doing a hell of a lot of good in the fight against misinformed medication.

Dan Clark had a hell of a childhood. It left him always trying to meet this absolutely Herculean concept of achievement and pushing himself to the limit. Interestingly, he comes off as a pretty smart guy, though he gives the impression throughout the book he has little to offer but brawn. He pushes himself to succeed in athletic arenas...first in football and then branching into playing big guys on film and finally landing on American Gladiators. In his constant quest to get stronger and bigger, he turns to steroids, more or less because all of the best competitors around him are on them. It's simply what you do to get ahead.

I really appreciate his willingness to be so unflinching in his descriptions of the effects of the drugs he's taking...and boy, he took a LOT of shit. You name it, he swallowed it, shot it, whatever. And eventually, his body went to hell. His hamstring basically disintegrated, his sex life was a nightmare, he had flareups of roid rage, he almost got shot in Mexico while smuggling his 'roids over the border...what a wreck. But more importantly, he shows you the addictive effects of the drugs. Clark tried repeatedly to get off the steroids for good and each time it was physically and emotionally traumatic, often to the point of bringing around a relapse. His ambition made it easy for him to talk himself into just one more cycle, over and over again, before he finally kicked the habit for good.

I personally feel that -in a vacuum - if people are willing to take the informed risk of steroids in order to succeed on the field, that's their right, just as getting the best trainers and equipment is their right. However, before we can sign off on that philosophy, sports authorities need to decide how they feel about it and stick to it. If you want to outlaw it, do it - I can understand the rationale - but then you have to actually enforce it...test people randomly and frequently, keep your ear to the ground to catch the suppliers, actually get serious about what is and isn't allowed and keep up on the latest and greatest evolutions in the drugs. What we have now is massively unhealthy. Maybe kids shouldn't idolize athletes in the way that they often do, but the fact of the matter is that millions of kids want to be just like their athletic heroes and right now it's understood that many of these heroes use steroids to succeed because "that's just what you do." Steriods will fuck your body up. They'll amp your muscles until your skeletal structure can't handle it and you're ripping tendon off your bone. They'll screw with your hormones to a degree usually seen outside of sex change operations. They'll absolutely annihilate your liver and a variety of other organs. Perhaps worst of all, as Clark's book shows us, they will suck you in just like any other addictive drug. If we're going to allow the use of steroids, you need to put this information out there so people understand that it's not just a consequence-free choice...it's one with significant risks attached.

Clark's book is a good read...it's quick, but not poorly written. It's a clearer description than you usually find of the true effects of steroids, both negative and positive. Clark now makes a business of touring around on steroid education programs, and he's crafted a good book here if you have a kid in your life who you think might consider steroids or is trying them. It gives a pretty complete picture of what they can do for you and what they can't, and what consequences go along with them. Moreover, Clark's various careers are pretty fascinating...he's done a lot of stuff and been a lot of places (who knew American football was big in pockets of Italy?), and he's got a good sense of humor about his many foibles. Great beach reading, just for something quick.

256 pages

High Church

Last night, I sang the Easter Vigil with the Assumption Festival Choir, and this year's service was particularly significant because it was presided over by Cardinal Francis Arinze, who is a very interesting man with whom I disagree on several issues. It seemed like a no-brainer to join the Festival Choir for this event because not only was the music absolutely gorgeous, but when a Cardinal comes to your school, I think you go to see them. Regardless of my personal religious beliefs, I have great respect for anyone who has dedicated their life to the study of theology and ultimately to faith. Doing so denotes a certain selflessness, because the person must make a concious decision to spend their life defending and explaining a discipline that cannot offer much in the way of physical, unquestionable proof and is eternally under fire. Since we cannot shake hands with God, the last step in religious study will always be a leap of faith, and I think to dedicate your life to defending something that relies on that faith takes some pretty serious balls.

In any case, the Chapel looked gorgeous; the Brother who handles the decor really works with the simple lines of the Chapel at all times, but he really outdid himself for this service. It was all beautiful spring flowers (glory hallelujah, spring might actually be here for real!) and draped fabric. The effect was really powerful, though I would have limited all the fabric to one color. The service was really well suited to reflection upon the spirit of the season - renewal, rebirth, Jesus, etc. I think that even non-Catholics can likely get behind the spirit of Lent and Easter, if you take the Jesus bits out of it...they're dedicated first to improving yourself and then to moving forward anew. I like that Catholicism does emphasize those areas, and at least at Assumption, it was encouraged outside of the pretext of crushing guilt excessive focus on sin. It doesn't get left wholly out of the equation, but it's not as dominant as it seems to be in other congregations.

The service was...epic. As we know, I am not Catholic, so "Easter Vigil" does not trigger any kinds of warnings about schedule-clearing or footwear advice. I had planned to meet Rich and our friend Joanne downtown afterwards, assuming I would get out at about the same time as the hockey game. Apparently as Rich and Joanne waited for my fool self after the game, the following conversation took place:

Joanne: Wait, did she say what this was?
Rich: No, some church thing, I never know what she's doing.
J: But are there going to be candles?
R: I...have no idea?
J: Oh my God. If it's the thing with the candles, it's gonna be two and a half hours.

It was two and a half hours.

It went really well...the sound was simply amazing and the service was beautifully planned. Needless to say, I don't get a whole lot of high church in my life, so it was really fascinating to see the formal whickety-whack and ceremony with the Cardinal presiding. Cardinal Arinze stopped at the end of the Vigil to say that he was very impressed with the spirit of prayerfulness in the Vigil. He also mentioned the choir specifically - he said he'd heard before coming to Assumption that we sang really well and that now having heard us, he had to agree. Pretty high praise when you figure the guy's home office is the Vatican and he probably hears a lot of really high caliber choirs.

The one thing that took away slightly from the experience for me personally was a section of the Cardinal's homily where he was talking about the Nicene Creed and the parts of it. He pointed out that Catholics declare their belief in "the Catholic Church...the true church...the church that Jesus founded, and gave to Peter, that has been around for 2000 years, not some church that was made up yesterday." Now, of course Catholics pledge this - it's their Church, and they should believe in it to that depth - but it seemed a little unnecessary to throw in the "not some church that was made up yesterday" phrase. It's inherent in the first part of the passage, restating it just makes it more aggressive than need be. I don't begrudge him the view, and obviously I'm more sensitive to it.

I joined Chapel Choir with some concerns over how I would be recieved as a Protestant - particularly one of a stripe that not too many people know about - and since joining I have felt one hundred percent welcome and accepted in the Assumption College Chapel. I was just kind of disappointed in that one dull spot of the Easter Vigil, because it marked the first and only time I've ever felt even the tiniest bit unwelcome in the community, and it came at a true high point in my musical life. I will note that I walked out of the church and shook hands with all the priests who I have gotten to know and they were exactly as warm and friendly as they always are, and that salvaged that brief dip in good feeling. Assumption really has something special.

Belated Professorial Excellence

Here are some of the gems from this semester thus far (now that it's almost over)...enjoy!

"Do you think anyone's gonna be listening to...Snoop Dogg in 400 years? I DO NOT."

"I know you go to bed at night thinking 'I really miss the Austro-Hungarian Empire.'"

"Why did the four great empires break up? Did they just get together and say, 'Let's break up! I don't wanna go out with you anymore'?"

"Now, why did Hugo Chavez get arrested? *extended silence* Did he get arrested for smoking a bong with Michael Phelps?"

"Vrabel, right? You know how I remembered? I put an accent over the A." [NB: We're in Patriots country here.]

"Do we all know where Zimbabwe is? It's the former Southern Rhodesia." [I don't think this actually explained anything to the class.]

"And these people say, 'I'm a card carrying libertarian!'...well, I pray for you."

"I think the College should be banned from holding events until they fix the parking situation. I drove around for 22 minutes and had a confrontation with the ticket Nazi. I was told to park on the upper deck...which was full. So finally I just parked in a handicap space."

"We are a commonwealth, in Massachusetts. That means 'an open invitation to take our money.'"

"We all know the Juice was guilty of murder."

"They used to call it 15 minutes of fame, but now I think it's like 17 seconds of fame. Like the OCTOMOM! What a weirdo."

"That's the French cedilla, also known as the whodickey." [NB: It was a circonflex.]

"What are we all doing this weekend? Going out to Leitrim's? Well, not Josie. You're too old for Leitrim's."

"I am an enemy of the anti-smoking fascism."

"I don't get the rap thing, by the way. I'm waiting for it to pass."

"Remember, the Northerners were not the peace loving foreign aid dispensers that they are today who are into porn, like the Swedes today."

"I'm probably breaking all the copyright laws, but petty tyrannical laws are meant to be broken."

"Escorted by the police...only way to travel, baby."

"[John's] from Webster, he can't afford to be nice."

"Where was I? Oh yeah. Sim City, fear of computers, the polis."

"It's like...Huffington?"
"Ariana Huffington?"
"No, the guy who died at Harvard."
"...Sam Huntington?"
"Yeah!" [NB: Not even a little the same.]

"I'm not supposed to do this anymore...I'm not supposed to call myself an asshole anymore."

"I don't think happiness and Connecticut...I don't think they go together."

"Kennedy understood - prostitutes are better."

"What's this, the cooties lane?"

"Say hello to your neighbors, say hello to Dominic, say hello to Nick's hat."

"In fact, I was reading Roosevelt's letters last night...yeah, I have an exciting life."

"Paul Giamatti was a perfect cranky, ugly Adams."

"Anyway, there's plenty of them...I just pick on Chomsky and Zinn because I hate them."

"Can you imagine Christ talking about the Hour of Power? Material power...political power...psychological power...Viagara power..."

"How come there's no light on this side of class? Is it a metaphor for your mental state?"

"He's the one who looks like an adjunct for the B-52s."

"Larry King, he of the 7 wives? He's in the Mickey Rooney club. You know, Mickey Rooney...short, ugly actor, had 7 wives? He was in the Elizabeth Taylor club."

"Joseph Davies deserves to be shot. Even though he's dead."

"So Kennan says 'take a bath, stop smoking pot, don't act like a jerk'...and all of a sudden we're on the way to the death camps?"

"What does that say?"
"N'ism? Nationalism. *pause* My n'isms!"
"...is it still Add/Drop?"

"You want an octopus sandwich, you just ask for an octopus sandwich. What, you think they're gonna say, 'Sorry, Mr. President, we don't have any octopus'? No! They're gonna say, 'Shit, we gotta get an octopus in here!'"

"Canada...yay, Canada! Mexico. Oh, Mexico."

"What, you're kidding, 'my car can't get to 90.' I'm a professor. My car gets to 30 and then craps out."

"I am convinced that we need a submajor here...Death Studies, because seems to be what I teach. Political Mass Murder, Peace and War, Terrorism, Nationalism and Fascism..."

"Do you go out to the bar and say 'I have a natural desire to leave behind a faithful reproduction of myself...may I buy you a drink?'"

"Some news station was reporting at Elm Park in Worcester, and people started calling me because they knew I lived there. I thought about going down to throw snowballs at her, you know...get on TV. You'll see me being chased by the Worcester Police Department. Brilliant Prof. D, running from the authorities..."

"Those Mormons are gonna get mad. More than get mad, they're gonna get you hooked on crank!"

"Come join my majority faction!"

"Yeah, but what about that guy? You know? Starts with an 'A,' ends with a 'dolf Hitler'?"

Friends From Everywhere

This weekend, I'm going to head up to New Hampshire to see the brand new baby of a pair of dear friends. I drove up to a different hospital when their first child was born, too. These are friends who will be at my wedding this summer, who I can laugh with, who have one of the few children I willingly spend time with (certainly the closest kid I hang with), who I would go through a brick wall for. They are some of the most exceptional people I know - brilliant, noble and strong. I love them dearly, and I can't wait to meet their new son, whose texted picture I have flashed around to friends like he was my own blood relative.

I met these friends on the Internet.

The Internet is a funny place. I'm a part of the first generation or two of Internet users for whom the Internet is fully integated into their lives. I Facebook like crazy, I blog here, I check email continually, I Twitter, I connect with the Internet through phone and computer. With so much use, people like me are bound to meet other people floating around out there in the ether. Some of these people - just like people in the elevator or in the coffee shop - will strike a chord with you, and you'll become friends. I know all the stereotypes and the truths. The Internet is full of child molesters and weirdos...everyone's living out a personality of their own fabrication...bad people are out there trying to get you. I know all this, but I also know that some of the best people I know are people I met online.

I want to be clear here. Without some of the people who I have met, I would not be who I am. I never would have started writing creatively if not for Ubersite. If not for my creative writing, I would probably not have started writing speeches. Rich said at our Clearness Committee meeting the other day that he fell in love with me partly because of the way I wrote on that site...hell, Rich and I MET on Icecats message boards. I would not know The Lucy, who is one of my bridesmaids and who drove up from Pennsylvania to go to a David Sedaris book signing with me in Boston. I would not have an adorable little girl yelling "I love you Miss Josie" as I left her house. My life would be different. I start with this because I don't want people to pooh pooh what follows.

On March 26th, a woman who I haven't ever met died of leukemia in Texas. Her name was Amanda Amos, and she was the originator of the Cannonball Read project. She was 33, which is a ridiculous age for anyone to die, much less someone with a three year old son. She was sharply funny, incredibly well spoken and smart as a whip. She was a commenter on Pajiba, a movie site that I don't comment on very often but read daily. The response to her death has been overwhelming, and I cannot help but be moved not only by the tragedy of her death but by...hell, by the renewed hope for humanity the response has given me. People who had never met her in person were sending letters and books and flowers and all kinds of gifts, just to make her fight a little easier. The Internet might show us the worst of humanity, in the form of Dateline specials and horror stories from the evening news, but it so often shows us the best of it, too...the caring people can have for each other and the love.

The Pajiba crew is trying to get a coordinated effort going towards donating to a scholarship fund for Amanda's son. If you have an extra $5 this month, or an extra $20, please consider sending it to taking care of a kid who lost someone spectacular too soon in his life. It's tough out there for all of us -we need to help each other bear up until it gets sunny out again. Even if you're too strapped to send money, please consider donating blood or getting on the Bone Marrow registry. It's something good you can do that costs nothing and could make the difference in someone's life. Please consider it, for the sake of all the friends you have, had and will yet have, no matter where you find them.

Excellent Customer Service in an Age of Mediocrity: London Sole

I know I have been high on superficial junk and cosmetics lately and not very good at...you know, substance, but a.) I have a heavier post to go up later tonight and b.) I like superficial crap so no offense but this is a fucking star, I run it, and you have no say. Sorry. I do KIND of feel bad so I'm going to try and do less of this, but I recently had an experience that was a breath of fresh air and I want to give credit where credit is due. There are a lot of companies out there that suck at customer service and our natural human tendency is to bitch about bad service far more than we praise exceptional service, so I'm bucking the trend and passing the kudos along.

I recently ordered a pair of ballet flats from London Sole. I ordered a pair of Lowcut flats in a cute navy fabric with white polka dots, which were on sale. I got a message from Maggie at London Sole informing me that they did not have the Lowcuts in the navy and white, but they DID have the same fabric in a Pirouette cut, which is very similar. When I called back, I got a human on the phone on the second ring and then was quickly connected to Maggie, who was extremely nice and helpful. She reviewed the problem, then told me they would send me the Pirouettes in the correct fabric at no extra charge. Pirouettes were NOT on sale, which meant that they wiped out a price difference of $105. They didn't really HAVE to do that, but they did, without a single word about the price. Right on.

I was already really happy with the way they had handled my problem when my shoes arrived. I was even more impressed when the package got to my doorstep. The shoebox was wrapped in purple tissue paper, and had a handwritten note on it:
"Dear [Josie], Enjoy your new London Sole flats! Please let us know if the size fits well or if you need anything else! Thanks! London Sole Team xx" Again, they didn't need to do this, but it probably took thirty seconds to write and added a lovely personal touch. The shoes fit perfectly and look great!

Thank you thank you thank you to London Sole, for not only making a great product but having people who answer your phones and solve problems efficiently and with immense charm!

2009 Budget = SOLVED

Last week, something great happened. The Swedish Pirate Captain - also known as Work Friend Joe - came around the corner with a paper in his hand. "JOSIE," he said, "I'm so glad you're here today! I solved the budget." Clearly, this was going to be excellent.

For those of you who can't read the writing (clicking will make it bigger), Work Friend Joe's brilliant budget plan for 2009 begins with "Giving Billions to Goldman Sachs." Then, a spur heads off wherein we "Appoint Goldman employees to key government positions." The other leg of the plan heads down by way of "Solar-Powered Healthcare" to "REPUBLICAN ROAD TO RECOVERY," then terminates with "Sarah Palin in 2012."

Is it so much less clear and/or logic-based than what's actually being offered by the Feds?

More Stuff I Like (Now Phthalate Free!)

Today is the day I really like things I have been mean to repeatedly over time. I am probably too judgmental but what can I say, it's all part of my charm.

As we know, my 3-of-7-day(s) job is at an energy conservation company that I totally love. One may assume that this means I am into all kinds of hippie crap like not washing my hair and using those reusable grocery bags and riding a recumbent bike to work and stuff, but unfortunately this is not true. It's not totally false - I do try and keep my environmental impact low by recycling and keeping lights turned off that I'm not using, etc., but when it comes to certain things, I put on my Arrogant Douchebag Hat and say "gimme the chemicals, baby!" The main place this pops up is in my makeup and bath stuff, unlike that used by Celia who is way better about reading labels and not coating her body with deadly, deadly poison. She's always recommending these fabulous products to me and I get really excited about them for about thirty seconds and then invariably wind up running in to the Brooks Pharmacy in a rush and buying something that actually has a label on it saying "this is full of active irritants" or whatever and not the thing made out of plants that's way better.

When I do manage to buy things that are made of plants, it's very exciting for me when they work because then I can tell Celia I bought something that's not radioactive, and the relationship flourishes. Such is the case with the J.R. Watkins Shea Butter Body Cream that I bought on Wednesday while en route to the Booster Banquet to defend against the peeling that is happening on one of my arms (thanks, weird body). Here's the reality, people - I am a sucker for old timey packaging. I saw this on the shelf and it was a done deal. It is merely by chance that it works well and is magically green. It's paraben, dye and phthalate free, and it's super moisturizey and smells good. Apparently Bath and Body Works does currently or once did sell it and you can also buy it on their online store, but as I said above, I bought it at regular old Walgreens. The thing about the smell though...well. Do you remember those Girl Scout sandwich cookies with the picture of the Swiss Chalet on the top cookie that had a little place for the filling to squish out so it looked like the sun? Yeah, this stuff smells like that.I guess today is also the day I talk about sugar based products because the other new thing I love is Pink Sugar by Aquolina, which Sephora sent me as a sample. Those bastards. Anyway, I liked the packaging on this, too- it came wrapped like a candy in a festive little packet. However, I have never really felt that drawn to Pink Sugar (Sephora features it frequently), so soon after receiving it, I was talking to Cindy and said "now, I like cotton candy and all, but I have to admit that I've never been particularly inclined to want to smell like it." Here's a secret about me...if you leave me near cosmetics long enough, eventually that shit is getting put on my person. So I tried the sample and it smells fantastic on me. I don't know why. I assume physics has something to do with it. But I love it and now understand why Sephora's always on about it.