Belated Professorial Excellence

Here are some of the gems from this semester thus far (now that it's almost over)...enjoy!

"Do you think anyone's gonna be listening to...Snoop Dogg in 400 years? I DO NOT."

"I know you go to bed at night thinking 'I really miss the Austro-Hungarian Empire.'"

"Why did the four great empires break up? Did they just get together and say, 'Let's break up! I don't wanna go out with you anymore'?"

"Now, why did Hugo Chavez get arrested? *extended silence* Did he get arrested for smoking a bong with Michael Phelps?"

"Vrabel, right? You know how I remembered? I put an accent over the A." [NB: We're in Patriots country here.]

"Do we all know where Zimbabwe is? It's the former Southern Rhodesia." [I don't think this actually explained anything to the class.]

"And these people say, 'I'm a card carrying libertarian!'...well, I pray for you."

"I think the College should be banned from holding events until they fix the parking situation. I drove around for 22 minutes and had a confrontation with the ticket Nazi. I was told to park on the upper deck...which was full. So finally I just parked in a handicap space."

"We are a commonwealth, in Massachusetts. That means 'an open invitation to take our money.'"

"We all know the Juice was guilty of murder."

"They used to call it 15 minutes of fame, but now I think it's like 17 seconds of fame. Like the OCTOMOM! What a weirdo."

"That's the French cedilla, also known as the whodickey." [NB: It was a circonflex.]

"What are we all doing this weekend? Going out to Leitrim's? Well, not Josie. You're too old for Leitrim's."

"I am an enemy of the anti-smoking fascism."

"I don't get the rap thing, by the way. I'm waiting for it to pass."

"Remember, the Northerners were not the peace loving foreign aid dispensers that they are today who are into porn, like the Swedes today."

"I'm probably breaking all the copyright laws, but petty tyrannical laws are meant to be broken."

"Escorted by the police...only way to travel, baby."

"[John's] from Webster, he can't afford to be nice."

"Where was I? Oh yeah. Sim City, fear of computers, the polis."

"It's like...Huffington?"
"Ariana Huffington?"
"No, the guy who died at Harvard."
"...Sam Huntington?"
"Yeah!" [NB: Not even a little the same.]

"I'm not supposed to do this anymore...I'm not supposed to call myself an asshole anymore."

"I don't think happiness and Connecticut...I don't think they go together."

"Kennedy understood - prostitutes are better."

"What's this, the cooties lane?"

"Say hello to your neighbors, say hello to Dominic, say hello to Nick's hat."

"In fact, I was reading Roosevelt's letters last night...yeah, I have an exciting life."

"Paul Giamatti was a perfect cranky, ugly Adams."

"Anyway, there's plenty of them...I just pick on Chomsky and Zinn because I hate them."

"Can you imagine Christ talking about the Hour of Power? Material power...political power...psychological power...Viagara power..."

"How come there's no light on this side of class? Is it a metaphor for your mental state?"

"He's the one who looks like an adjunct for the B-52s."

"Larry King, he of the 7 wives? He's in the Mickey Rooney club. You know, Mickey Rooney...short, ugly actor, had 7 wives? He was in the Elizabeth Taylor club."

"Joseph Davies deserves to be shot. Even though he's dead."

"So Kennan says 'take a bath, stop smoking pot, don't act like a jerk'...and all of a sudden we're on the way to the death camps?"

"What does that say?"
"N'ism? Nationalism. *pause* My n'isms!"
"...is it still Add/Drop?"

"You want an octopus sandwich, you just ask for an octopus sandwich. What, you think they're gonna say, 'Sorry, Mr. President, we don't have any octopus'? No! They're gonna say, 'Shit, we gotta get an octopus in here!'"

"Canada...yay, Canada! Mexico. Oh, Mexico."

"What, you're kidding, 'my car can't get to 90.' I'm a professor. My car gets to 30 and then craps out."

"I am convinced that we need a submajor here...Death Studies, because seems to be what I teach. Political Mass Murder, Peace and War, Terrorism, Nationalism and Fascism..."

"Do you go out to the bar and say 'I have a natural desire to leave behind a faithful reproduction of myself...may I buy you a drink?'"

"Some news station was reporting at Elm Park in Worcester, and people started calling me because they knew I lived there. I thought about going down to throw snowballs at her, you know...get on TV. You'll see me being chased by the Worcester Police Department. Brilliant Prof. D, running from the authorities..."

"Those Mormons are gonna get mad. More than get mad, they're gonna get you hooked on crank!"

"Come join my majority faction!"

"Yeah, but what about that guy? You know? Starts with an 'A,' ends with a 'dolf Hitler'?"