In Which I Fail At Being A Housewife From 1939.

While I was pissing around on the Internet, avoiding behaving like a functioning member of society, I came across a little gem from 1939. I spend a lot of time mentally being from the 1950s, and have to a certain point romaticised past eras of genteel behavior, and as a result tend to forget that gender relations back then were kind of extremely fucked up. This test is a Marital Rating Scale that helped men and women gauge the success of their relationships, based on an awesomely deranged set of criteria. Check it out.

There are 50 Demerit questions and 50 Merit questions. For each "yes" answer, you give yourself one point (unless otherwise noted), then when you're done, you subtract the demerits from the merits. However, if you are me, you attempt to keep track in Notepad, fail, open an Excel document to keep track, and then forget what gets subtracted from what. In the end, I think I got a 37. Think.

Demerits

1. Slow in coming to bed - delays till husband is almost asleep.
I am a night owl, but the fact remains that Speed gets to bed at around the same time or later than I do, so I'm not taking a hit on this one.

2. Doesn't like children. (5)
Frankly, I've come a long way since being constantly on the verge of a hysterectomy, but I still don't LOVE kids. I think this is mostly because I usually see them at the DCU Center, where the vast majority of the under-18 population are ill-behaved little shits. I give myself one point instead of 5, since it's more ambivalence than anything else.

3. Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly.
I'm sure you all thought I was going to fail this one, but this is one I actually do. Perhaps not so much with the sock darning, but I am a button-sewin' machine.

4. Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house.
Aprons! HAH!

5. Wears red nail polish.
Currently playing at Josie's Toes Theatre? OPI Vodka and Caviar. That's whore's nail polish if I ever saw it.

6. Often late for appointments. (5)
Not really.

7. Seams in hose often crooked.
I love what 1939 was like. Seams! In hose! I shudder to think what 1939 would have to say about fishnets in the modern sartorial mindset.

8. Goes to bed with curlers on her hair or too much face cream.
...No.

9. Puts her cold feet on husband at night to warm them.
I put my cold feet on Speed, but to ANNOY him, not to actually warm them.

10. Is a back seat driver.
I limit myself to back seat road rage. I throw the finger so you don't have to!

11. Flirts with other men at parties. (5)
I try not to encourage Speed to pulvervize people, so no.

12. Is suspicious or jealous. (5)
I'm going to admit that there's usually one day a month when my body's having a hormonal free-for-all that I get intensely paranoid and weird and decide Speed has plans to run away with some chick to Belize, but luckily this is simply a product of hormonal and mental imbalance.

13. Uses slang or profanity. (5)
Hah! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH!

14. Smokes, drinks, gambles or uses dope. (5)
Did, do, occasionally, no...however I also have too much self respect to use the word "dope" so I'm giving myself a free pass on this one.

15. Talks about former boy friends or first husband.
I don't...NOT talk about them if the situation calls for it, but I think the point is incessant discussion of previous men so I guess no? I also love that an allowance is only made for ONE FIRST HUSBAND because clearly in 1939 multiple divorces were from the future.

16. Squeezes toothpaste at top.
NEVER in my life have I contemplated how I squeeze toothpaste. Of course, I never considered toothpaste's effect on my abilities as a wife, so maybe I should start dedicating more thought to both.

17. Reminds husband it is her money they are living on. (5)
UNPOSSIBLE! I am in college and thus poor.

18. Tells family affairs to casual acquaintances, too talkative.
Casual acquaintances, no.

19. A chronic borrower - doesn't keep stocked up.
I...don't even know what this means. Stocked up on what? Bottled water? Underwear? Samurai swords? Ponderous philosophical texts? Puppies?

20. Slows up card game with chatter and gossip.
The only card game that happens in this joint is Spider Solitaire on the computer, so no.

21. Opens husband's personal mail.
People who do this creep me out greatly. NOT OKAY, PEOPLE.

22. Frequently exceeds her allowance of family budget. (5)
Even though there's no formal "you may spend exactly X dollars" arrangement, I think the answer to this is probably yes.


23. Eats onions, radishes or garlic before a date or going to bed.
Not...habitually but I'm sure I've done this. I also didn't realize that radishes were so dastardly in this regard.

24. Tells risque or vulgar stories.
I'm not huge on vulgar stories...most of my stories focus my life pretending to be a French farce, but I don't know, by 1939's standards, I'm starting to think EVERYTHING I do is risque or vulgar.

25. Wears pajamas while cooking.
This is sort of a way of life for me. Frankly, it's a banner day if I'm even wearing PANTS while cooking.

26. Talks during movie, play or concert.
No, irritating.

27. Is more than 15 pounds overweight.
Yep! But making strides...go me.

28. Often whining or complaining.
I'm not really a whiner (or complainer)...if I whine, it's usually for effect and designed to irritate Rich rather than for the sake of whining.

29. Discourteous to sales clerks and hired help.
I hate when people do this, and have even told people off for doing it, so no. Yeah, I'm talking to YOU, asshole guy from 3 years ago at the American Airlines counter at Logan

30. Shoulder straps hang over arms or slip is uneven and shows.
Visible bra straps are one of those things, like miniskirts with Uggs, that I just don't understand the appeal of. I don't wear slips but I wouldn't be caught dead with hanging straps of any kind.

31. Fails to wash top of milk bottle before opening it.
I don't even know what this means.

32. Corrects husband's speech or actions before others. (5)
Well, if he's...wrong, then yeah. But not to be a douchebag about it.

33. Saves punishment of children for father at night.
No kids, no punishment! I do occasionally threaten the cats with Speed Discipline, but that's more an indicator of my weirdness.

34. Serves dinner but fails to sit down till meal is half over - then wants husband to wait for her.
We usually eat at the same time, and who ever is cooking just brings chow over when it's done.

35. Wears pajamas instead of nightgown.
I avoid this thorny issue altogether. I'm just saying.

36. Fails to bathe or brush teeth often enough. (5)
...Gross.

37. Puts stockings to soak in wash basin.
I don't do this, but...isn't laundry what a wash basin would be...FOR? Is wash basin code for sink? What's going on here?

38. Serves too much from tin cans or the delicatessen store.
Another question I don't understand. Wouldn't you just serve as much as who ever you're serving usually eats?

39. Visits mother too often - a spoiled child.
Well, I visit my Mom a lot, but I don't think I'm a spoiled child.

40. Is snobbish or too much concerned in "keeping up with the Joneses."
Not going to lie, I am TOTALLY like this. However, I have learned that people find it creepy, and thus keep it to myself.

41. Dislikes husband's hobbies as fishing, baseball, etc.
Some of you may not have met Speed but if you have, and particularly if you've seen us together, you know that we share a brain, so this is not an issue. Did I mention we MET at a hockey game?

42. Tells lies - is not dependable. (5)
I am a terrible liar, so even if I for some reason WANTED to do this, I couldn't. NO I don't play poker, NO I do not want to learn so you can gank as much of my money as possible, NO I will not humor you on this count.

43. Doesn't want to get up to prepare breakfast.
Dude...who does? Isn't it enough that it eventually HAPPENS? I have to WANT to do it?

44. Insists on driving the car when husband is along.
Don't care in the slightest...it's usually whoever makes the most sense.

45. Smokes in bed or has cigarette stained fingers.
Okay, a.) I have the sense to not smoke in bed, what with not liking being ENGULFED IN FLAMES, b.) I don't smoke anymore (except a cigar when the occasion arises...man I miss DC sometimes), and c.) even if I was dumb enough to smoke in bed I would not be gross enough to allow my fingers to get all nasty UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I COULD NAME.

46. Cries, sulks or pouts too much.
I've never been a big crier...I tend to save up upsettedness until I finally crack, at which point I cry really violently for about 15 minutes while babbling to myself, then act like nothing happened. I'm also kind of lazy, and have something akin to ADD which is why I don't usually sulk or pout...I get a good sulky burn on, then something shiny comes along and I forget about it. Plus, God, who wants to expend that kind of energy?

47. Makes evening engagements without consulting her husband.
Routinely, and with enthusiasm! I find the surprises keep the relationship fresh.

48. Talks too long on the phone.
Not a big phone person, though he does give me a lot of shit about texting people.

49. Is a gossip.
I deal mostly in petty crap, which I guess counts as gossip, but frankly I think I'm too paranoid about it to be a true gossip.

50. Walks around house in stocking feet.
Good luck even getting me in STOCKING feet. I ditch my shoes and socks when I get in the door and LEAVE 'em there.

I wind up with 25 demerits. Less than I would have guessed, to be honest with you. On to the merits...

Merits

1. A good hostess - even to unexpected guests.
I love having people over, so I'm all over this one. This is not to say I suffer people who overstay their welcomes well, but overall I come out on top.

2. Has meals on time.
This is tough, simply because Speed and I don't have a set schedule for meals...sometimes we're both home around the same time, sometimes not, etc. However, when I DO give a time that dinner will be ready, it's on time.

3. Can carry on an interesting conversation.
I think I do, though if asked to find an issue in this area, it's that I tend towards the overly cerebral. I am pretty good at reading my audience, though, so usually I do all right.

4. Can play a musical instrument, as piano, violin, etc.
Technically, I can play french horn, though I am horrible at it. HORRIBLE. In a way most people aren't. Plus, I haven't touched a horn since 2001. That being said, I am a good singer, and cling desperately to that.

5. Dresses for breakfast.
I usually can achieve underwear and a teeshirt by breakfast time. Does that count?

6. Neat housekeeper - tidy and clean.
I'm not going to give myself a point here, simply because I do let it slide during hockey season. I feel like to really be a good housekeeper, you keep it clean ALL the time, thus sparing yourself the need to throw all your mess in the office when people are coming over. Not that I do that.

7. Personally puts children to bed.
Not only do I not have any kids to put to bed, but if/when I DO have children, I am TOTALLY buying a robot to put them to bed. The Roomba people will be all over it by then, I'm sure.

8. Never goes to bed angry - always makes up first. (5)
I'm giving myself the points here, because I DON'T usually go to bed angry (see the above commentary about my in ability to maintain a good solid sulk) but something really tweaks me about the assumption that the woman is the one meant to be making up first. If I was in a relationship where this assumption was actually held, I'd constantly be in trouble for saying shit like "you're right, honey, I'm sorry you decided to be a total fuckhead about my red nail polish. Let's make up."

9. Asks husband's opinions regarding important decisions and purchases.
I shudder to think where the importance line is drawn in terms of purchases for the 1939 people, but I do check with Speed on important "stuff" in general.

10. Good sense of humor - jolly and gay.
I think I qualify, though my sense of humor is probably less "jolly and gay" and more "snide and fighty."

11. Religious - sends children to church or Sunday school and goes herself. (10)
Really shines a light on the evolution of religion's role in society, doesn't it? Ten points! I do try to go every Sunday, and if/when we have kids, they will be EXPOSED to religion, but not frogmarched, so I'm giving myself five points here instead of the whole ten.

12. Lets husband sleep late on Sunday and holidays.
He's...a voting adult? So he can sleep in whenever he wants? As long as he's not sleeping off a mid-week hangover or shirking work, I don't give a damn. That being said, it's not ME Speed needs to worry about...it's the cats.

13. Encourages thrift - economical. (5)
Honestly? Not really. I'm not a spendthrift but neither Speed nor I are the type to shy away from spending money on getting the best quality whatever. We save where we can. One point here, I think.

14. Laughs at husband's jokes and his clowning.
I laugh at his jokes, often hysterically, and if I catch him "clowning" I will be sure to report accordingly.

15. Ambitions for her family - urges higher attainment.
HAH HA! Does this not DIRECTLY contradict Demerit Question #40? I think I get what they mean differently, but I prefer to be ornery. I'll say yes.

16. Belongs to parent-teacher club or child study group.
Nope!

17. A good cook - serves balanced meals.
I've talked a bunch about cooking habits...I am not as good a cook as I could be or would like to be, since I don't DO it much, but I think I do okay, balanced meal wise.

18. Tries to become acquainted with husband's business or trade.
Absolutely. Not only do I think what Speed does is neat, I also know almost nothing about it, and we all know how I like learning about pretty much anything I don't know about. I blame my father for this. ("Symposium on riveting technique through history? COOL!")

19. Greets husband at night with a smile.
Yep. Except, of course, for when the local commuters/demolition-derby-participants have been particularly awful on the way home. Then, ranting followed by reset button and smiling.

20. Has pleasant disposition in the morning - not crabby.
I wake up pretty fast, so my disposition's pretty much always the same. I consider the days when I have a foggy wakeup and ask frantic, stupid questions like "IS IT THURSDAY?" or think it's the evening instead of the morning as a kind of entertaining bonus.

21. Keeps snacks in refrigerator for late eating.
I...guess so? Speed's pretty self sufficient vis-a-vis his snacking, so it's not so much my doing as his.

22. Likes educational and cultural things.
Have we met?

23. Reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress. (10)
MOVE ALONG, FAMILY MEMBERS.

24. Faithful and true to husband. (10)
Let me put it this way: until Speed and I got together, getting married wasn't even on my radar. Don't ask me why the relationship works, it just does. It is creepy, and it is awesome.

25. Has pleasant voice - not strident.
I think I have a pleasant voice...but an obnoxious laugh. I'm gonna go ahead and cling to the pleasant voice thing.

26. Has spunk - will defend her ideals and religion.
I have a long tradition of said spunk.

27. Praises husband in public.
Absolutely! He usually deflects it. Heh.

28. Writes often and lovingly when away from husband.
The only really long trip I've gone on was to Italy, and I sent a postcard and called every day. I think that counts.

29. Writes to husband's parents regularly.
Look, 1939, I hate to bust up your game here but I REFUSE to believe that every good little wifey was writing to her in-laws. I write thank you notes when appropriate, to the never-ending fascination of Speed's Mom and Dad. Is writing thank you notes really that weird these days? Not that it's the first or last time I get caught doing weird, arcane stuff, but still.

30. Willing to help husband at office or shop.
Willing, but the exact OPPOSITE of able. Don't nobody want me near their mainframes. That being said, I do help out with the Booster Club, so I guess maybe I do.

31. Sympathetic - likes children and unfortunates. (5)
Though DC did stamp some of my sympathy for "unfortunates" out of me, I think I do pretty well in this category, despite wanting to clothesline the Heely-wearing children at Sharks games.

32. Keeps hair neatly combed or shampooed and waved.
I have a feeling that the gentleman husbands of 1939 would take one look at me lumbering out of the garden with my hair all but staplegunned to my head and dressed like a homeless person and run screaming into the night. I will note though that every time I need to look presentable, I do so.

33. Often comments on husband's strength and masculinity.
Um...I head this off at the pass by being with someone who's actually secure in his strength and masculinity, so he doesn't need me extolling his virtues?

34. Good seamstress - can make her own clothes or the children's clothes.
I'm limited to the most basic repairs and patterns. I'm going to say no here.

35. Gives husband shampoo or manicure.
Well, Speed shaves his head, and I'm pretty sure if I tried to come at him with a file and a plot for manicuring I'd get a slap in the head, so...no.

36. Keeps husband's clothes clean and pressed.
Speed doesn't require a ton of pressing, and we both do laundry.

37. Bravely carries on during financial depression.
Here's my question...what other option is there?

38. Healthy or courageous and uncomplaining.
I think this is the part of the quiz where the author started dropping E. Does this seem like a "one of these things is not like the other" puzzle to anyone else?

39. Keeps self dainty, perfumed and feminine.
Sure.

40. Is of same religion as her husband. (5)
Nope. Point of order: Is "fightily fallen Catholic" an actual category, or no?

41. Has minor children to care for. (5 points per child)
No, but more importantly, does this not sound like a Maury episode just waiting to happen? Five points per child?

42. On friendly terms with neighbors.
I love our neighbors! Except that jerky guy across the street who is NOT an awesome elderly German dude. The Jerky Guy Across the Street sucks and needs a hobby other than calling the town to report that we are paving our driveway in an attempt to get us in trouble. NO PERMIT NECESSARY FOR PAVING, SO WHO LOOKS LIKE A DOUCHE NOW, FUCKFACE?

43. Fair and just in settling the children's quarrels with others.
Nope! Also, when the cats fight I just laugh and let them go at it. Seriously, I probably shouldn't be entrusted with children.

44. Likes to vacation with husband.
Is this a test for wife-ing skills or some kind of test about whether or not you should get an IMMEDIATE DIVORCE? The hell? Why would you be/stay with someone you didn't have fun on vacation with? Vacation's the EASY part.

45. An active member of some women's organization.
I am open to this idea but to date have not found a group that works for me. I tried one of the women's groups in the area and it was just so insipid (but for a few legitimately cool ladies) and not-my-thing that I left. I'll stick to my sporatic knitting groups for now.

46. Often tells husband she loves him. (5)
Why is this only 5 points? Just so you know, kids...what Hollywood has been telling you is correct: fucking is more important than love. WTF 1939? I tell Speed I love him all the time.

47. Polite and mannerly even when alone with husband.
This is like #44 for me..."even when alone with husband"? What kind of weirdo only sets the politeness switch for public appearances?

48. Willing to get a job to help support the home.
Yep!

49. Praises marriage before young women contemplating it.
I haven't run into this but honestly not everyone should get married, and not everyone should get married to the person they're thinking about marrying, so I'm going to say no here. I'm not willing to just push the concept at large.

50. Is unselfish and kind-hearted.
I also love puppies!

Merits = 70.

Less 25 demerits....drum roll please...45 points!

According to the chart, that means I am...an average wife. THAT doesn't sound very flattering. Of course, it doesn't take into account my overall awesomeness, so I don't know...I think I'd RATHER be an average-to-poor 1939 housewife, since a lot of the criteria here are absolute horseshit. The idea that the color of my nail polish has jack shit to do with my quality as a wife is just absurd.

Teaches ME to get sentimental and nostalgic for older times.