The Commute, In Open Letters

Dear Everyone Driving on 290 At About 7:43 This Morning;


The State Police Officer standing on the side of the road, pointing a radar gun at the oncoming traffic, knows you're not doing 45 on the highway. The speed limit of said highway is 65. In recognition of this face, please refrain from slamming on your brakes and reducing your speed from 85 to 45 in a half second, causing everyone behind you to panic and slam on THEIR brakes.

Sincerely,


Chick in the Dodge Stratus


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Dear Dickwad in the Cream Magnum on 290 at the Same Time;

It's not the speed that will eventually get you nailed by the State Police.

It's the speed, combined with the weaving in and out of traffic, combined with your policy on never entering a lane unless you're three inches off someone's bumper, combined with your phone conversation, combined with your tilting your head all the way back to get the last dregs of your beverage, combined with your choice to drive an ugly car in a weird color.


Sincerely,

CinDS

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Dear Statie Radar Gunning People By the Side of 290;


We can all see you.

Park further back.


Love,

The Public

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Dear Cheap iPod Car Adapter I Bought On eBay For Roughly Three Cents;


I don't particularly care that you don't work all that well, but I would appreciate it if you would man up and malfunction the same way every time. We had things all figured out until I took my iPod inside for about a week to charge it and put new music on it.

I realize you may just be frustrated with my insistence on using the "what's this? It says 'ip-odd'" line from House every morning but seriously, if you saw the episode, you would understand that the line was sublime and SHOULD be used every morning.

If it's really an issue I am happy to negotiate. Let's talk.


Love,

Me

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And two bonus letters unrelated to the commute.
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Dear Dick Cheney;

You will note that there is no separate branch marked with your name, nor is there one marked "Vice President's Office."


Go fuck YOURself.


Sincerely,


Me
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Dear Democrats in Congress;


Good show, but please fix the Iraq war first.


While Cheney is a creepy douchebag, Iraq is actually making people die.


Love,

Me