An Open Letter to the Tiny Puritan Who Lives in My iPad

Dear Wee Puritan,

First of all, I would like to thank you for your tireless corrections to my typing.  Sometimes I use my iPad on the train and things get a little jostley, and it's nice to count on you to correct my typing when some inconsiderate jerk flounces into the seat next to me with an entire office's worth of papers and laptops, skooshing me into the window and knocking over my various belongings.

Second, are you okay in there?  I always thought of Puritans as being - forgive me - a bit narrow of thought, but certainly as full sized human beings.  I know that Apple's manufacturing has been under fire lately, so I'm a little concerned that the process of getting you in there was not a pleasant one.  If you want to get out, please send a sign and I'll see if I can figure something out.  I hope you're okay in there.

Third, and most importantly...we need to have a talk.  It's 2011 and while I recognize that you probably think the amount of swearing I do is extremely unladylike, an affront to morality, and unchristian, but you're going to have to accept that I am going to swear, and I'm going to do it a lot.  When I write "hell," I do in fact mean "a firey place where bad people burn in eternity."  I am not going for "he'll," and honestly, Tiny Puritan friend, if you looked at the context, which I know you can do, those two words aren't really interchangeable.  One's a contraction, for goodness' sake.  We also have to talk about the word "fucking."  I use that one a lot, buddy.  It's not going to change, especially not if those fools in Congress keep ruining everything.  I don't mean "ducking," Tiny Puritan.  I am not talking about ways to test for witches, and I am not talking about walking under low doorframes.  I am cussing because sometimes profanity is the only way to go, and so help me, I am going for the big guns when the occasion calls for them.  You have got to stop changing that one, because it ruins my flow and my flow is very important to me.  This extends to all usage: do not twist my words into treatises about waterfowl, sudden drops in altitude, or references to "motherduckers."

Motherducker isn't even a word, Tiny Puritan.

You need to knock that shit off posthaste.  I'm worried about your living and working conditions, because my iPad is pretty small, but if you do not stop messing with my cussing fits, we are going to have issues.  Stop sanitizing my work, or I'm going to run the iPad through the dishwasher and then everyone will be upset.

Love,

Jos