[CLASSIFIED] The Beautiful Skin Guarantee

I am lucky enough to have emerged from my rounds with puberty-based acne with nice skin.  I like makeup, so people often ask about products I use, and those folks are often surprised when I say I don't wear foundation very often.  But for a little bit of rosacea in my cheeks, my skin tone is very even and tends to stay blemish free, barring a zit or two right before I get my period.  Genetics-based luck is part of it, and it would be silly to not acknowledge that, but I also credit a great deal of it to a mysterious beauty secret I discovered some time ago.  I have decided to reveal this secret to you all.  It may take some work for you to find it, but if you want perfect skin, you're going to need to put in some work.  I'm sorry, but not everything in this life can be simple.

The secret ingredient is....

That's right, olive oil.  You will have to go all the way to the kitchen.

Now that you have completed your onerous slog to the kitchen and back, take some of that fabulous Italian goodness and slop it on a cotton ball, then swab that bad boy around your face.  If you have excess on your face, just rub it in with your hands.  Fin.

Your face may feel a little bit oily for a while, but after about half an hour you will have skin the likes of which infants will look upon with envy and try to recreate with a steady flow of jealous tears.  I am not kidding.  If you have a lot of blackheads lurking, you might want to do this and then steam your face by putting a bunch of very hot water in a big bowl and then sticking your head over it with a towel over the whole shebang.  I know "put oil on your face" sounds like a violation of everything anyone has ever told you about your skin, but it really does work miracles.  The only thing that keeps me from slathering myself head-to-toe with it is the smell, which isn't bad but is a bit "you have applied olive oil to your entire body" ish.  Instead, I use either The Body Shop's Monoi Oil or Mario Badescu's Olive Oil Body Lotion.

The upside is that you don't need to take my word for it alone.  I have the word of notorious beauty Sophia Loren, who famously credited olive oil in the preservation of her skin, and I figure once you have Sophia Loren on your side, you can declare yourself a winner and be done with it.  However, if Ms. Loren's advice carries the whiff of urban legend to you, I have the responses of two women who I recently turned on to the method.

First, we have Val, who I think tried a slightly different method where she added in 10% castor oil to 90% olive oil.  This was the response to her first, olive-oil-only go-round.

And my blackheads are freaking gone. THEY ARE 95% GONE. I'm shocked. 

AND my skin actually feels like skin, which may sound weird to you guys who have like flawless poreless skin (damn you) but I have suffered with mine and after trying tons of cleansers and toners and moisturizers and buying into scams and UGH, my skin feels... not like skin. Sometimes it's too dry, other times too oily, and now it actually feels soft and smooth, and what I am guessing skin is supposed to feel like. It actually tingles a bit, too. It feels clean! I don't know if it helped to sweat earlier, but damn, I'm a believer. I need to shout this from my rooftop.

What did I tell you?  This response prompted The Lucy to try it as well.  I have cited Luce as a credible fashion and beauty resource before so regular readers will appreciate this response in light of her steady and critical eye towards beauty products.

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

My skin looks fucking amazing! I cannot believe how soft and smooth it is! And it's totally clear save for the few little blemishes I have, which I have the feeling will not be around for long. 

I have a lady boner. 

I HAVE THE SKIN OF A CHERUB.

If those testimonials don't convince you to at least give olive oil a chance, well...