So we got off the boat and The DR proceeded to completely blow his cover by then shaking hands with every single one of his Mafia friends. I don't know. We then walk down the beautiful streets, looking across to the seawall and being harassed by hola-ing Mexicans. We were headed for the notorious Carlos & Charley's the site of the infamous initial Scarlett-DR hookup.
*ENTERTAINING SIDE NOTE*
Upon returning from her first cruise, Scarlett was detailing the events of the cruise to her family when she mentioned she had gone to Carlos & Charley's. Her mother promptly freaked out, and told her "that's really smart [Scarlett]. That's where Natalee Holloway disappeared in Aruba." Scarlett identified her mother's tone as being "like the restaurant ate her." Moms are funny.
*END ENTERTAINING SIDE NOTE*
So, when we arrived at the Den of Iniquity and Also Lots of Whistles For No Good Reason, The Weege wanted to scope out the stores we had walked past, so I agreed to go with her, since I wanted to check out the shopping, too. So we left Scarlett and The DR to their own devices and went roaming the streets to check things out while Scarlett began the long process of fending The DR off through lunch and some margaritas.
The first place we actually stopped was a jewelry store, where I was sort of looking for something for the female members of my family but instead found this awesome little silver shark for Speed. I thought it would be a fun thing for his keychain. I bargained the guy down considerably - he wanted $45 for it initially, which...it's an inch long, dude - and passed on SEVERAL offers of tequila shots, because it was 11 am for God's sake, but I will also note that I would support that kind of sales tactic in any number of everyday retail stores. We also checked out sombreros, because The Weege's school spirit week was coming up and there was apparently a Hat Day. We had a lot of fun wandering along, and checking out the cool stuff - there were a lot of leather cowboy boots that I wanted HARD but they were too expensive. I bought a tanzanite and coral pendant to match the ring I bought in Costa Maya, we bought some true Cuban Cohibas and a hot sauce bottle wearing a sombrero and Mexican shawl for Superfly, a ceramic lizard that hangs on the wall (for out in her garden) for Mom, a pair of flipflops to replace my FAVORITE silver and white butterfly sandals that I broke and was wicked pissed about, and we wound up going back to the scene of the sombreros to buy a GIGANTIC purple and silver one for The Weege. We also hit on the idea of getting The Weege a henna tattoo of a heart with some random guy's name on it, with which to horrify my mom. We came up with a whole game plan, too, like how far away I should stand so when Ma tried to hit me I would be out of range, et cetera. Good times. Unfortunately we completely forgot to show her when we returned home for just long enough for the thing to start fading and thus be unconvincing. Dammit. We chilled out for a little bit by this funky fountain area and just people watched a little bit, then headed back to meet up with Scarlett and The DR.
We ran into them maybe a block away from Carlos & Charley's, as they were on their way to an internet place. The DR, as astute as ever, actually asked The Weege what was wrong with her face, which of course sent her spiraling back into her self-conciousness about it, while I just pondered how a person got that dopey in the relatively short period that he had been on the earth. Now granted, this was a particularly odd day for her face because it was JUST about to peel, so whenever she would move her lips to talk the skin would pull into wrinkles, however, WHO SAYS THAT? God. We agreed that we would reconvene at C&C's, where The Weege and I were going to have lunch. The DR and Scarlett headed off for the internet place, where she tried to kill time and avoid going to a hotel with The DR, which he was really pushing, and of course they ran into another eight billion people from the ship, all of whom recognized both parties. While The Weege and I had a delicious meal at C&C's (while fending off the shot girl who was both really insistent and really effing annoying), Scarlett allowed The DR to convince her to go to a hotel "just to talk," because she is a moron. A moron who I love dearly, but a moron. In any case, said hotel was apparently complete foul (surprise!), so Scarlett now had the added duty of trying not to touch anything and thus contract gonorrhea or whatever the hell else, this on TOP of making sure The DR didn't succeed in molesting her, which WHAT DID SHE EXPECT. Sigh. So eventually The DR has to head back for the ship, at which point Scarlett sets out to find us.
We had already left C&Cs, what with not knowing about the plan to go to the Skeeviest Hotel in the World (I'm surprised there weren't one-legged dogs THERE, too), and were again roaming the streets. The Weege apparently had not been paying attention, and thus was all "let's go find them! Where is the internet place," and then would not listen to me when I explained that there were zillions of them until I pointed out the first four signs. We wandered around until we got bored, at which point it was relatively late. The Weege was concerned about Scarlett being lost and unable to find her way back, at which point I explained that Scarlett and I were combat buddies and if it was I who had vanished, she would also expect ME to get my stuff in gear and get my Voting Adult Ass back to the ship. Meanwhile, Scarlett ran into Texas in Senor Frogs (where she'd gone to check if we were there), who promptly had a coronary over the idea of Scarlett being alone in Cozumel, what with all the knife fighters and pirates on the loose (clearly, Texas is BOTH of our moms at heart). Scarlett went in and had a drink with Texas and Tex, and then danced to "All Night Long" and spotted Bess's friend AGAIN who apparently was stalking all members of that exciting party, since Nancy and George ran into us later on in the day and said they had seen him about nine places, too. It eventually was time to head back, and Texas INSISTED not only on personally taking a cab back to the pier (which was right down the street but whatever), but also insisted on Scarlett's going in the cab as well. They all headed back to the ship, where Scarlett was thwarted at the door by her SeaPass card refusing to work AGAIN (third time this week) but eventually got a new card and got in the room to make sure we were there and not dead in an alley. She took a quick trip up to the Solarium for food, and then she came back and we all had this EXTENDED period of sloth (SPEAKING of Sloth, we kept seeing this dude who we nicknamed Sloth because no shit he looked exactly like Sloth from The Goonies, only with less scary. You wouldn't think you would find this often, but there he was.), where we were unmotivated to do anything more taxing than watch Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby, which was about the funniest goddamn thing I have seen in a long time. While we were chatting and laughing at the movie, the Great Peeling of The Weege happened. Basically, her whole face was ready to go, so the whole thing came off in giant pieces of skin. It was kind of fascinating, and she looked about a BILLION times better (she lost that weird granny wrinkle thing she had going) although still sunburned. Oddly, though, she then proceeded to complain MORE about it, which was confusing since Scarlett and I assumed that that kind of cathartic, literal cleansing would HELP the situation rather than worsen it.
Scarlett decided to get dressed for the formal dinner we had missed during the movie anyway, so Scarlett and I headed up to the Schooner and listened to our favorite game host, Beatlemania (you're only confused about that alias because you didn't see his hair, because...seriously.) walk some people through a TV trivia game. Now, let's just talk about these goddamn people for a second. These are the people who are ABSOLUTELY convinced of their own all-knowing-ness and their endless fantasticness, when in reality they were getting all riled up over winning a teeshirt for properly identifying the theme song to Gilligan's Island. You know these people? Lots of "OH! I THOUGHT I HAD THAT ONE HA HA HA" type comments and generally douchey behavior geared towards convincing people they were cool. These are the people who think that going on cruises is on the same plane as owning your own continent-sized yacht, you know? So anyway, Scarlett and I "played along," by which I mean we chatted with each other over which song we thought it was, then occasionally got overexcited and yelled the answer. We wrapped up that session by getting really excessively overjoyed about the theme song for "Charles in Charge" and singing along, then heading for the theatre, where we saw about 2 minutes of a show so godawful that we left almost immediately and which I have completely blocked out. Seriously. When I was talking about it with Scarlett I thought it was an entirely different show because I could not remember this one. We did, however meet two people who would enrage me in the near future - one was this random lady walking around with a GIANT can of Fosters who sat down next to me and sort of drunkenly babbled about what she'd been doing for the past couple of hours, and the other was the Navy Guy's wife (from Costa Maya), who was drunk to the point of bellowing and waving her arms around. During the show. When nothing was happening. It really only took a mutal death ray look before we decided to flee for the festivities ongoing in the South Pacific Lounge.
....Which were an abomination. It was a battle of the sexes game, and I wound up being INFURIATED because the women were not only losing, but losing by being IDIOTS. Seriously, it was depressing. I think this one goddamn game set Women's Lib back about nine hundred years. I remember two of the challenges that were particularly aggravating...number one was making a balloon animal, some kind of little dog, right? So the hosts gave these people a balloon, and one of them showed them how to make the little dog, and the contestants had to remember it and replicate it. The women made a hot dog, a hot dog with a weird bend in it, and a hot dog with a loop at the end. This was when my rage started making the lights flicker. You can't even bend that shit a little more so it looks like you're, you know, SENTIENT? Fucking ladies. God. The second challenge was making a paper airplane. I'm sure you can see where this is going. Had I known the steaming shitpiles that these women were about to create, I would have wadded up my piece of paper and thrown that, and I STILL would have beaten the very PANTS off of every single one of these dumbasses. They all made things that only very slightly resembled airplanes, and all of them took a nosedive and crashed, including one that did a loop and went BEHIND THE WOMEN so it actually had negative distance traveled. That's not a battle of the sexes, it's a battle of a bunch of functioning adults who don't need to wear diapers or have food wiped from their chins in public against driveling idiots with about three brain cells amongst them and who probably CANNOT READ. Oh my lord. Needless to say, both Fosters and Navy Guy's Drunk Wife were competing, and the latter was dressed in a red formal ballgown that she definitely stole from a high schooler going to JUNIOR prom, topped with a purple hippie scarf, for lack of a better description. And her hair was a frizzy, psychotic mess, so the formal gown looked EXTRA weird. I hated her on sight. I hated Fosters less, at least until the results were read, at which point she let out a GIGANTIC "woo!" in response to the host saying the women had won only 20 percent of the challenges. O. M. F. G.
While I fumed over how much I hated these people, we went to the theatre to catch the extremely adorable and less-angry-making Love and Marriage game, which is basically The Newlywed Show but in real life. Scarlett left for a while to go to the bathroom, and reappeared to announce that she had yelled at The Weege, where apparently the gist was that The weege was being a wuss about her face and should come out and enjoy her damn cruise because she paid for it so she may as well not sleep the trip away. The Weege's point was of course that her damn face hurt (and also apparently that it looked wierd, which it DIDN'T anymore, so that hurt her credibility a little). They were both about equal portions of right, so I kind of just left it alone. We then watched the Love and Marriage game, which involved one half of a selection of cute couples (of which Neil Diamond and the Missourienne were almost one!) being asked a lot of questions by the equally cute cruise director in the absence of their significant others, then seeing how the answers synched up. The highlight was probably the response of the male half of a couple that had been married 50 years to the question "who on your wife's side of the family would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with?" He promptly answered, "that would be my brother-in-law, Chippy." When the cruise director asked him what was so bad with the brother-in-law, he just instantly replied "Because I think Chippy's a crook" in this awesome tone of "I speak facts. *pause* I hate that dude." It was pure comedy. As we left, Scarlett became enraged by these older women hugging The DR, and also by the audacious move of one woman, which was to kiss The DR. This woman has since always been referred to by Scarlett as a cougar, which I do not understand and probably never will, so if you want to know, you best ask her yourself. Scarlett proceeded to be extremely annoyed by this at a high and drunk volume ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE ROOM, despite my repeatedly pointing out that the women were the type of sad people who are too self-concious to have fun so they come on cruises to give themselves permission, and that was probably the wild and craziest thing they had done all week.
Upon reaching the room, we lured The Weege out of her bed with the promise of food - there was a midnight buffet going on in the dining room, so we all headed there. Unfortunately for EVERYONE EVER, there was a line, since the doors had not opened yet, so Scarlett chose this as a good time to antagonize The Weege about her face and resulting hermit-like behavior. There were these two gigantic ladies sitting parallel to us on this little ledge, and they were not-so-subtly eavesdropping on us by staring directly at me (sadly, this was not the last time on the cruise that I would be a victim of a mis-directed staredown intended for the two dingdongs I was travelling with...THANKS GUYS), while I'm standing there allowing the bickering to erupt around me before stepping in and saying "have you considered that you may both be right?" which stanched the blabbering for maybe 30 seconds before it started again. Thankfully the doors opened soon, and we had a great meal, which was beautifully presented, with food sculptures and a really beautiful spread. We then headed back, just in time for Scarlett to get a phone call from The DR and act completely cracked out about it, and then passed out to rest up for what we did not know at the time would be an epic, epic last day.
This is actually from the first formal night, but there's always room for cute pictures!
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