Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Let Me Tell You About the Best TV Show in the World.

So, I enjoy TV. I watch a fair amount of reality TV, incuding The People's Court, and assorted other shows. Up to this point, I probably would have dubbed The Apprentice my favorite show. But then I went to Philadelphia with Speed, and I discovered something fantastic.

Something groundbreaking.

Something on late at night.

No, not that something.

Something manned by a hipster.

Something...called Cheaters.

First of all, Cheaters believes in charity, and in giving people chances, and I know this because the graphics on the show are clearly designed by monkeys who just graduated from online graphics arts schools. This is not a slam on graphics arts schools, online or other wise, or the people who attend them. What I am saying is that ACTUAL MONKEYS who went to an online graphics arts school quickly found their start at Cheaters, where they promptly layered EVERY screen with eight times the amount of overlay and color and movement required. Further evidence of charity and kindness can be found in the introductory screen that explains that Cheaters is dedicated to the faithful, and goes on to exhort the UNfaithful to reexamine their lives and decisions. Fantastic.

The rest of the staff of Cheaters is comprised of the A-Team and the most awesome TV show host in the world, Joey Greco. Joey Greco cares. He cares about YOU. And he got SHANKED ON NATIONAL TV. That's right, shanked. ON A BOAT. He has a very new-age hipster-yuppie hybrid look, and a soul patch that has the most immaculate grooming I have ever seen on something that is probably comprised of less than 25 hairs. Black outfits, salt and mostly pepper hair, soothing voice, full range of "I am showing concern" facial expressions...this man was made for this job. The key aspect, however, is the undercurrent of shit-stirring tendencies. And this is where it gets awesome.

The show opens with Joey describing the case. Cheaters is apparently a detective agency - whether or not it existed before the show, I don't know. Remember when spy movies were REALLY in, like...three to one, spy movie releases to ALL other releases? And you know the graphics? Where they zoom in with the little crosshair binoculars and there's excessive use of nightvision and all that? Any graphics I mention from here on in are like that, only if you came up with them when you were in your adolescence and kind of went overboard with everything. So Joey's explaining the case, and there's a little dossier graphic where the person is describing why they think their significant other is cheating in one corner of the screen and their age and occupation are listed on the other side. The bottom is taken up by a summary of the case that's apparently written by The People's Court's Voice of Condemnation ("He's accused of....taking a friend to the cleaners."). The clients are generally comprised of the "classy" echelon of Jerry Springer guests, and about half of them are unemployed.

The Cheaters folks then trail the suspected cheater, taking pictures and video. There is always a recorded phone call between the client and the cheater where the cheater lies to the client all "I'm just staying late at work." This portion of the show is peppered with more awesome graphics, including night vision shots and quasi-dossier screens. The best thing is the commentary, some of which I will transcribe below. These people should be writing soap operas, is my point. And then, Joey meets up with the client, usually somewhere sort of strange like a parking lot. He shows the client the (beatiful bean) footage, which often includes tape as caught by hidden cameras of the cheater having sex, which raises a variety of questions as to whether or not it's legal to be showing people porn in random parking lots. I'm guessing not.

Then...the confrontation. Oh yes. Joey then gets VERY excited and I AM A SPY about the whole thing, and the A-Team, comprised of a small army of cameramen and security, drives Joey and the client to where the cheater is with the Other Woman/Man RIGHT NOW! They leap out, and what happens, basically, is Jerry Springer. There's yelling and shrieking and hitting and freaking out and menacing, and it's all INCREDIBLY awesome, because after the intitial bout of accusations/curses/interrogation, Joey starts stirring the shit. "Why are you doing this? Can't you just talk to her? Give her the answers she deserves. Don't you think she deserves that?" More or less running through the list of every question you are totally not willing to deal with from someone who just showed up with the person you're cheating on and stole your juice in front of the person you were cheating with. This, obviously, is what got our hero shanked on a boat. They did the confrontation on the boat, and the cheater got pissed about the juice-stealing and flipped out and stabbed Joey with some sort of fish-gutting knife after sending a member of the A-Team over the side of the boat. Awesome!

Cheaters is on at 11:30 on the WB.

You can thank me later.

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