How the Hell Does Vincent D'Onofrio Keep Getting Work? Seriously.

L&O: CI is coming to USA, which means that there is at least one hour less of SVU, for a start, which already puts me in a shitty mood, but that it's Criminal Intent with Assface D'Onofrio? I don't understand it at all. Apparently people actually find the nimrod attractive, too, which...I have no words.

I have a lot of unjustified dislike and rage for various things...small dogs, most children, Republicans, sweet pickles....but I can actually explain this particular hatred. It's a little bit like my rage towards Michael Jackson.

Bear with me.

Michael Jackson had one of the most successful musical careers in history. He had the music, he had the moves, he had the fans...he could have ridden his fame into an awesome, bazillionaire twilight, Michael Jordan style (minus the ill-fated baseball attempt). It was so simple - all he had to do was just continue waking up in the morning, signing some autographs, recording music, and living a life of luxury. Easy. Instead? He built a gigantic kiddie porn set - let's call it like it is - and started basically hacking off various pieces of his facial contruction, while maybe not even molesting young boys, but at least allowing room for those rumors to grow. Two major trials and eight million MJ jokes later (and counting!), he'c completely squandered what could have been a perfect existance.

Now, we have Law & Order. The original series has been running since 1990, and has showcased a variety of talent, from TV to the silver sceen. The show may be showing some signs of fatigue, but it's still a hell of a lot more solid than most things that are on the air lately. It's spawned one of the most successful spin offs ever with the SVU series. The key thing, I think, is that they hang their reputation on great acting - Chris Noth, S. Epatha Merkerson, Dann Florek, Sam Waterson, Elisabeth Rohm, Jerry Orbach, Angie Harmon, Steven Hill, Benjamin Bratt, J.K. Simmons, Mariska Hargitay, Chris Meloni, Ice-T, Richard Belzer, Dean Winters (do yourself a favor - watch him in Oz as Ryan O'Reily). It paid off big time, because we all know the show rocks and has a fierce following of loyal fans. Let's say that the original series represents "Got To Be There," "Ben, " "Off the Wall," and "Thriller," with his Jackson 5 days as the first year of the series and "Invincible" as it enters the still-badass twilight of its run. Then we can call SVU "Bad" and "Dangerous."

But then they decided to try again, with Criminal Intent...this is the point where Michael Jackson was kicking back with a few friends and said "you know, maybe it would be cool if I built a theme pack in my yard." They ALMOST nailed the casting, with the rockin' Kathryn Erbe (again, Oz). Then they hung a left at the junction of Good Stuff and Stupid, and put her in a wussy, generally subordinate seeming role and hired Vincent D'Onofrio. He is obnoxious. We are supposed to believe that he knows basically everything in the world, for one, which is stupid. It leads to the type of revelations that go something like...

"But he was wearing a BLUE jacket, not a black one."
"Yes, but SOME blue dyes are created from plants harvested in Afghanistan and a fine dust of opiates settles into the dye vats, creating the APPEARANCE of additional darkness making the jacket seem black!"
"The witness was wearing blueblockers and has a history of false reporting."
"Aha! But the refraction of the light off of the opium-infused dye would have penetrated the blueblockers like night vision, so the witness certainly could have seen it, and would have been so startled to go from almost zero vision to night vision that they would have been too shocked to false report!"
"What's that you've got there?"
"A bottle!"
"And what do you do with it?"
"I've put authentic Guinness beer in it!"
"Brilliant!"

Shut UP, D'Onofrio! GOD. I'm annoyed just thinking about it long enough to spoof him. I find the dialougue they give him ridiculous to begin with, and then there's the so-called acting he does. Right here, I am going to divulge - one time only, folks! - the secret Vincent D'Onofrio acting technique.

1. Make an idiotic comment. Start it with "so" and put at least a five second pause between that starting word and the rest of the sentence.
2. Pause for a smal eternity while managing to twich in place. Focus on eye tics particularly.
3. Follow with a comment that includes sounds like it should be a pun on the first comment, but doesn't quite get there.
4. Blink nineteen times.
5. Laugh crazily.

There you have it, in its entirety. It sucks, folks, and people keep telling me how great he is. It's like Renee Zellweger. She's a passable actress, but she's nothing special, yet people keep raving about her...ditto D'Onofrio. The role model these people should be checking out is Tom Cruise. Not in weird lifestyle choices and creepy religious preferences so much, but definitely in role selection. Tom Cruise does several things well...He looks pretty, he grins, he laughs, he is the MASTER of making his eyes well up, and he flails his body around well. Every role he's chosen, with maybe a two movie margin of error, has fallen perfectly right into those parameters of acting range. COME ON GUYS! Get with it and start choosing roles that don't make you look like a retarded chimp on the 'roids! See the Cruise! BE the Cruise! Stop being on Law & Order! At least Zellweger can dress like nobody's business and she's finally started eating again, returning her to a semi-normal weight and delivering her from the bobble-head look.

So with that out of my system, I'm moving on Thursday to Holden to the gorgeous house with Skeezix, the cats - Flyboy and Cady (http://www.nps.gov/wori/ecs.htm) - and current-Skeezix-roomie-soon-to-be-basement-zone-dweller Bono. Should be fun, if stressful - closings on the house and Skeezix's condo are on the same day and unfortunately the owner of the house wouldn't let us move anything in early...he says he's busy all week, and apparently hasn't heard of the concept of leaving a key under the mat. Oh well. The larger point is that this week I will be relatively out of commission but by next weekend will be writing from the lovely new abode. Aloha Lady had a kickass game against a determined but sucky Fitchburg High School team...they won 6-0 but more excitingly (not 100% sure that's a word, but we'll roll with it), the coach of the girls soccer team at Fitchburg State talked with her and was very impressed with her play, so hopefully she'll call him and get on that. He seems like a great coach, very down to earth. Superfly is still in his space-age neck brace and attendant pissy mood, but otherwise is okay. His California plans are on hold but he doesn't seem to want to talk about it, so who knows what the end result will be with that.

Just one last thing before I finish...when you've managed to claw your way to being the House Majority Leader, TOM DELAY, you should have a passing grasp of the good/well distinction -“after 11 years of Republican majority, we’ve pared [the budget] down pretty good.” WELL, darling, WELL.

Also, I have to say that I sort of relish the fact that Bush is beginning to learn that just throwing money at a problem doesn't make it go away...you have to apply money intelligently. It sucks that the lesson is coming at the expense of - basically - the state of Lousiana (www.redcross.org), but he had to learn sometime. Presuming he's capable of learning things, which I am not 100% sure of. I hope too, that we have all learned that the spoils system's political appointments do not belong in some agencies' heads. FEMA, I'm looking at you.